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Post by Captain Ally on Jun 23, 2023 14:21:58 GMT -6
You know actually, between me and L this happened one other time. At the time I thought he was silly but that was because I was in the midst of one of my situations™. basically, I reached out first on some dumb pokemon website in 2015, intending for a friendship, and we were actually friends for a while, and then he was like, do you want to try out being in an online relationship? I was excited for the thought of that, because as a teenager I thought I was entirely undesirable. (well, maybe I still am..?). Anyways, yes we tried that out. And it was going well if only for the fact that I wasn't yet busy. I was a Sophomore in high school when this started. And it kind of went on until the start of my junior year of high school. I started really hanging out with my friends more, and I also was fully working by this time. Around this time we had only been communicating through google hangouts, email, and a pokemon game. See, silly? (not really) I had less and less time to respond, and he actually ended it between us because he said he was going to try and ask out a girl in real life. I didn't feel guilty, just kind of weird about it. For a while I kept thinking back on that time, but eventually I forgot, and five years passed. All of sudden one night in January 2022 he reached out to me on Twitter and we reconnected. I thought this was going to be that marriage guy all over again, but it wasn't, he just wanted to chat. So I did. - Side note, I just realized a lot of things happen to me near January 🤔 After we chatted, he added me to his discord server, and I chirped in every so often but left it at that. literal months passed, however the kicker was that I felt so miserable last May. That was really the only signifigant thing that happened. Maybe he had actually been following my twitter posts, even though I think no one actually has the time nor care to do that. idk so he really tried reaching out again, and I had confided in him. He's the only other person actually that knew I was struggling.. outside of my parents, sister, brother, and his fiance (my brother and his fiance are actually in the camp that don't care..). tbh I still don't know how to tell my friends, actually I told one, but she never really was the greatest friend to me. And she kind of was like, "well good luck 😃". Everybody at K's streams don't know, and neither does M
I guess I would say, I never really trusted him? Like I've told him things, but I still don't fully trust him. Moving on with the story though, after I was talking to him more, in January he said he had liked me again and wanted to try a relationship once more. I'm thinking all along that I should have said no. He even admitted that it wasn't going to be long term. I just wish I knew, why me? He has amazing friends, but me? I should talk to him again. I just need to figure out how to rip the bandaid off first.
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Post by Captain Ally on Aug 4, 2023 2:51:40 GMT -6
It's now August and I fear this is going to just turn into an insult no matter how I try to talk to him. I should have said something months ago, I should have written that apology. I just needed to talk. And somehow I didn't. Now this is at the back of my mind as if I'm missing a deadline. I see L online all the time because like I said, Discord is the connection. Incredibly I actually do this too often, not to the same person, but if someone sends me a message, I let it rot too long and then I answer in hopes that it's not too late. I've missed the "not too late" period already unfortunately. And now I'm being too dramatic about it all
idk I'm venting a little, just a teeny bit
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Post by Captain Ally on Aug 28, 2023 3:51:58 GMT -6
I actually, I'm the type that waits and hopes someone wants to know something about me. My interests aren't particularly interesting, but it would be nice every once in a while to be able to share that with someone genuinely. Often I have to just post about what I'm doing, and randomly someone agrees that it was a nice movie, or video game. My art is okay. I don't work hard enough on that though. I would probably have gotten a nice following by now if I was able to make my artwork faster.
I'm thinking about this again because I still wait for key people to send a message to me. Or in the case of yesterday, I get a little sad because one side of my family is kind of fucked up. I was at a wedding, and I swear to god they would not have noticed if we didn't show up... they always blubber and get angry that my dad doesn't like to show up for family functions. But even if he does arrive with us, it's always the same story. They laugh and insult each other, go wow it's been a while, and then as the party winds down they go on and on about how we don't do these things anymore. It's their fault, and it always has been. None of them wanted to show up for my sister's graduation. It was only my Aunt on my dad's side out of that group that came, and she was only there because honestly, she just wanted to see the house. Maybe she wanted to see my dad, but idk. I can't figure them out sometimes. Like my godmother is a drunk who cries, so she's sobbing about not seeing people, and I'm like, what the fuck. Make the time then. We're only seperated by 40 miles, we always come to their functions. In fact this is the first time where I was like, maybe I don't want to go there anymore, like it would probably be okay if we didn't go. They were doing photos with immediate family but didn't want one with us, so yeah I'm honestly like fuck you all. Watching When Marnie was There at home was the highlight of my day.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 6, 2023 17:35:49 GMT -6
okay so I mentioned my weird "friend" in a few posts now. And on Monday night he just totally confirmed my suspicions. at K's stream I was talking about the Barbie movie (which was great), it was a simple silly little conversation. K was like I'm interested but I bet it's about two worlds , and I can't remember everything that he said, but he was pretty spot on. I said watching Barbie was akin to watching Mean Girls or Clueless. It's something like a 2000s or early 2010s movie, which is very fun. Anyways, so I talked it up, and S goes I wasn't listening what was good about it? I said it had a lot of beautiful moments like when Barbie looks at an elderely woman for the first time and tells her that she's beautiful. I loved it. Then he goes, oh I heard men were portrayed badly in that movie, and I said well yes that is sort of true. Then he says, oh typical of Disney to do (Which side note LOL it's not a Disney movie). All I said was that it's not a bad thing to portray that. I guess that sort of just struck a nerve 😂 because then he's like it is when we're striving towards equality as a society 🥺 if I was sitting in front of him I would have been laughing for ten minutes straight. He continues with, especially all the feminists push for equality but don't want to put the work in for it. Um sir I think woman have been "putting in the work" for many centuries 🙄 I think honestly he made that comment as a way to show his dissatisfaction?
I don't even know who he was responding too after that XD XD all I said was that yeah the movie was kind of perfect. We all (women) don't really need ken's, we're special without them. They don't make us who we are. I just liked that Barbie near the last part of the movie asked what her purpose was and there wasn't an "end" for her. She could decide what that is, because that's what makes you human.
here's the rest of his paragraph so we can all laugh at him together. When it becomes an entitlement that's when you should pull back when she shows disdain for your generosity that's when you pull back. And then when they get a nice guy like that a true genetlemen they're disregarded for being "too nice", but they strive as well for a romantic life with flowers around the bathtub type of stuff. Like its either one or the other. And us men are done with the games that's why MGTOW is a thing we don't got time for the mind games. I figured he was the nice guy type, but he seemed pretty normal tbh. I thought he was being a creep when he saw one photo of me and decided it to make it his goal to convince me we would be a great couple. But I was like eh, if he gives it up, then fine. It took me 25 years to realize that single men never think of friendship first. Especially him. I think it will be concerning in the coming months if he quadruples down. But yeah. I still can't believe he went on such a tirade lol You know what I still think is really funny? he says he's 27 years old. But I swear up and down that he acts like my parents. He's not very internet savvy (which can be okay in some aspects), and has opinions that are incredibly wrong. Also he watches youtube shorts, so honestly I think that's a big red flag. Like, it's not youtube shorts in the sense that he's watching a funny meme but it's like podcast clips, or something that is obviously so right wing coded. Also he's balding, I wouldn't date a man that has male patterned baldness. In this household we want full heads of hair. tbh I'm just being petty about that, I think if he really pissed me off or said something mean I would be like, well at least I'm not the bald one in this situation.
actually I think it's extremely fucked that he mentioned mgtow, because if you're not aware. It stands for "men going their own way" which is a pretty anit-feminist and misognystic online way of thinking about your relationship to women. At that point it really just opened my eyes, I'm like, wow I have spoken on many occasions to this guy and that's how he really feels. Honestly power to me for never interacting with him in a way that he knows where I'm located. Besides the fact that he says very innapropiate comments, and doesn't leave me alone. It reminds me that I don't know these people, no matter how much I try to say we're friends. That goes for anyone. Now I do think there are a lot of genuinely nice people who would never hurt a fly. But people are pretty good at projecting an image onto others. It's easy. I can say how sweet and laid back I am all the time. But I have my moments where I'm tired, cranky, selfish, and if I get overwhelmed enough or feel slighted, I do get angry. There are many sides to people. I guess this is a major PSA to be safe. Practice good internet safety for yourself. No names, exact locations, or photos that could be damning evidence as to where you're located. The people who are happiest are able to keep that information to themselves.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 7, 2023 0:23:29 GMT -6
Something else major that happened is that one of my high school best friends wanted to go get drinks yesterday night. It was so wonderful catching up, I think we both kind of had pent up emotions about our friend group. It kind of was nice for someone to just agree tbh.
For context my friend angelica was the glue between everyone. I only realized it later, but when she pulled away...well that was it then. Of course I think the break away happened because of the drama, and the lies from everyone. People blocking you, and refusing to talk does not help. Idk I think we all need a long fucking chat with each other but it never happened. I miss those days as much as anyone else does I think. From the perspective of an adult, it was all so stupid. Like my friend nick said over 8 years ago. At that point we had to be honest with each other, and stop being secretive and non-inclusive. Ethan went through three breakups, and after each time it split the group. After Steph, more and more we would either be a trio, or a quad group whenever we hung out. Usually it meant that not everyone could go to Annakin's house, or ride in Nick's car. Eventually I felt so uncomfortable, sometimes all I wanted to do was get home. Actually that happened about a year ago. Angelica was kind of a bitch and didn't want Nick around, so she hosted a party and excluded him. At this party, all I wanted to do was get home, I felt unwelcomed, or at least I thought, this is the last time all of us are friends. She actually didn't listen to me when I was having a hard time. I remember thinking maybe it would be a good idea to try to reach out, but I felt like after all that time she wouldn't want to be around me. So I stopped communicating. [sidenote: I should have told Nick and not gone to this party, I would have been better off.] tbh I miss annakin the most, I knew him since middle school. And although I wasn't aware of it at the time, he was struggling in his own way. It's like he was a little brother, that's funny to say when he was only a year younger than me. But between me and my real brother, it's just 22 months between us. So makes no difference. He was so funny in a quirky way. Everyone in the group had their own part to play which was very important.
I don't know if I was just as important. But I can say they liked to have me around at least. I wouldn't have spent so much time with them otherwise if that wasn't true. You know I'm sure Nick wouldn't want to grab a margarita if he didn't like being around me.
I think it's just such a fucking shame that none of us properly talk with each other. Just before Halloween last year Nick was having a house warming party which should have been this amazing celebration. But then Ethan ghosted him, Kat left him on read and so did a few of our other old friends. Angelica herself showed up late with her boyfriend. I was very surprised that she offered me a ride home actually. Once again I've never felt such unwelcomeness. It's like that time I called her my best friend and in 0.5 seconds she said we're not best friends. There's things you can't forget. Like something crazy is that she blames me for her falling in love with Annakin. I'm like okay, I couldn't come out with you guys that day, it was an oversight on my part. But if it wasn't that moment, I think anytime after would have resulted in her having a crush on him. It's a shame that he was a jackass about it the whole time. I keep talking about all of them, and I just really need to find better friends. Nick is a sweetheart but the rest of them have no right to act how they did. It's just like my dad's side of the family. They can't claim that they're angry he doesn't come to family gatherings and then ignore, me, my sister, and mom when we come to their weddings or parties. It's fucking rude.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 8, 2023 17:43:21 GMT -6
something I keep going back and forth about is fame. On one hand, yeah that seems super nice. Lots of people know your name, they recognize what you do. And then on the other hand I'm like that is so harrowingly depressing. You're never just you in the eyes of the public.
I think it would be nice to have some sort of spotlight on you at some point actually. I wish for me it was because I played salmon run, or that I made pretty good digital artwork. It probably won't happen at all though. Today I was thinking of it again because I've been obsessed with this artist called PJ Morton. His music just sounds really good, and I keep thinking I bet he has so much fun. A dream I've had since I was young which is sort of passive for me is being able to play my trumpet and I'm immortalized on an album. There are so many musicians that I listen to actually where I can pick them out. Like even Tatsuro Yamashita's vocals are so easily recognizable. On his wife's music, and even other pop artists in the same sphere as him. It's just in your face because he has a good voice. Actually I like to sing, however my crutch is that I'm shy and I do get really nervous. It's to the point that my mom tries to get me to sing along and I refuse. So then I think, yeah that's not for me. And watching Smosh earlier, I'm like wow, they have this perfect corner of the world just for them. And it looks so enviable. I don't want to be doing something mediocre in my life (I don't think anyone does). I want someone to also think, wow that's perfect for them. That's why I don't want retail or food industry work. It's a dead end.
I keep trying to think, what would be good for me? And there is no answer yet. It's frustrates me to no end tbh. Even gardening for other people is just way too much. It's back breaking work. idk what to do.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 11, 2023 23:06:53 GMT -6
nothing really major has happened in my life besides the fact that I got my wisdom teeth out last thursday. I was so scared of dry sockets and I guess I've already gotten over the worst part post-op. However, it can still happen even seven days out. Earlier though I had a doctor's appointment and oddly he looked at my mouth and I guess I'm healing up nicely. so that's something. honestly I ate my first real meal and it was so fucking good. If I was the type to get really emotional I would have cried taking the first bite. pudding, shakes, or applesauce only gets you so far :')
what made me annoyed though was that the nurse who did my blood work was like, this'll be just a small pinch. ma'am fucking broke some blood vessels or something 😭 because now I have an ugly bruise. my mom even joked that it looked like a vampire bite. this was after the nurse told me I had "juicy veins" mom's know how to joke around I guess 🙄🙄😂
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 13, 2023 14:41:20 GMT -6
I'm thinking about how a few weeks ago I had an online friend who wanted to get into digital art. They're actually really funny because if you show them anything, they respond in this really blown out type of reaction where they're like WOAHHH!!!1!1 even like I mentioned how I got my wisdom teeth out and they responded with "OOHHHH hope you're ok". it always cracks me up anyways, so I think I always have a sort of disconnect with people over how much I think that something costs, whether it's way too much or not. In this particular situation I was a little nervous because in the back of my mind I was like, my drawing tablet is $30 but that might be too much money? right? so, I give them the link and I'm like okay just so you know this is basic but it does everything I want, there's twenty replacement nibs for the pen and it plugs right into your laptop or pc. I don't even use all of the buttons at the top because there's too many. like, blah, blah, blah. Well LMFAO tell me why this motherfucker comes back and shows me an Amazon listing for a $1k+ wacom tablet. And then he goes, I'm gonna save up for this :)... BRO were we ever in the same tax bracket??? 😭
I was being polite though so I was like, ooh okay! I felt like my huion tablet was a perfectly good investment at this point then because wtf? who gets into a hobby and goes headfirst into spending money like that!!! And now here's the kicker. There was a record breaking heatstroke that kind of moved across the country in August and he goes, I couldn't really practice because my tablet doesn't work in high heat :( Bro you fucked up badly. I can't imagine having technology that is so weak it doesn't perform. I mean maybe he doesn't have AC? but still, for an expensive machine I think it's a piece of garbage lol
Every so often I have to remind myself that maybe it's okay to spend a little money. It's fine to buy a cute dress, or replace my shoes. Get a nice lunch, etc. I wonder if watching my parents struggle over ten years ago had this kind of effect on me. I feel like my friends don't think like this? or at least most of my friends. Because actually Nick agreed with me over having anxiety buying any kind of new technology. As I mentioned before, I was just so unhappy being able to try out the new Z Flip 5 that I returned it. I didn't think that I could have the phone 7+ years and it would be okay like my current brick. I hate not knowing if something is reliable. When my family had to let go of our CRTvs it made me upset too. Like, technology is still changing every day and the things I grew up being used to are no longer going to serve me well :(
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 14, 2023 13:45:22 GMT -6
Dumbass went on another rant ‼ lmao
okay what started it this time was that I posted about Off the Hook being released as a banner for Splatoon 3 DLC owners. Me and another server member commented that it was nice and then he responded: S — Today at 1:30 PM I don't see the appeal of this if you're not even looking at them the majority of the time Same for other cosmetics Any cosmetics purchased with real money is just dumb to me I don't get the logic behind it I thought he was stupid for saying this so I responded, "it's a nice option to have though. Without the DLC there are well over 120 "free" banners to choose from. They (devs) have done well with splatoon 2's dlc, so I think this bonus is nice" D also added, "it makes your name tag more fancy" then, S — Today at 1:32 PM Yeah which does nothing I guess I'm not like this new generation which is good I don't see the appeal in this dumb shite When you get unlockables with in game currency or doing a hard challenge it feels a lot more worth it Pay to win I call pay to cheat yourself out of the experience
I had a lot of colorful words that I wanted to say such as, you fucking old man get a life. But all that I said was, "Wait what. Literally nothing about this is pay to win... The whole game is built on redeeming for in game currency. Nothing says you need DLC. I was just happy because it's a nice item. 🙄"
I think he was just being fucking stupid the entire time and responded with, No I didn't say paying for cosmetics is pay to win. I was saying pay to win on another subject is cheating yourself out of the experience
I can't explain how much I fucking hate him. He's such a goddamn loser. He actually has no social experience whatsoever probably. Like who the fuck comes into a conversation and starts complaining about a different subject. Honestly I don't give a rats ass about pay to win, I think if you have a problem with it. Say your piece and stop supporting the company who partakes in that sort of buisiness. That's what I did. Thatgamecompany has created that enviroment, and I said I was tired of it. I will never put down players who love the game and play it more than I do. I think whatever makes someone happy is more important than some petty I am better than thou shit. SO by paying for DLC. It's never a bad thing. Like I also mentioned on my Twitter, I think when the splatoon devs really get to work on something they do it great. And if you compare splat 1 and 2's solo campaign which were basic to then get Octo Expansion, it was a wonderful step up. They took what they learnt there and applied it to splatoon 3's solo player experience, and enhanced what it would have been if Octo Expansion had not existed. So when Side Order eventually releases, I'm expecting an experience that is worth more than my money.
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 13, 2023 23:08:10 GMT -6
I was so sick I didn't even visit my own website since September :( honestly I'm very suprised that I had 11 emails!!
what happened was that I had my regular doctor visit near the beginning of september, and then my doctor mentioned that he was retiring at the end of the month. Once I had my blood test results back I was told I had low iron (anemia). It's not fine, but it's okay because I started on iron pills. The issue is that I reacted badly to them and couldn't keep food down. Before I really got sick, my ears were hurting because my allergies were going for the entire week. I had to go to immediate care but that was a nightmare place to visit on the weekend, and I felt worse rather than get better, so I slept nearly the entire weekend. my mom thinks too much shit happened all at once which is why I felt like I wasn't feeling good for the entirety of the month. Suffice to say, it caused me to not return here. I even went as far as to create a new site theme and I couldn't enjoy it. But all is good now D:
there's a few events happening for Splatoon 3 so I'll be happy during this month and early November. We've got map revisions for Mahi Mahi Resort this Monday, then Splatoween makes it's triumphant return for the weekend of Halloween (october 28th is a Friday). Lastly the third Eggstra is happening on the weekend of November 4th. It's a very exciting time again. Honestly I was super happy when this season started because I'm very fond of the Salmon Run map called Salmonid Smokeyard. It played even better once we got the addition of egg throwing. I had a good time :D I think if Covid didn't happen then this season would have been all about nostalgia for Splatoon 2. But they just weren't ready yet because obviously that type of season needs to happen when we get the Side Order DLC. My fingers are crossed for this holiday season
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Post by Captain Ally on Nov 13, 2023 4:49:34 GMT -6
This is the first time in years that I ever felt so frustrated playing salmon run that it brought me to tears. I was playing the special golden rotation over the weekend, and it was fine. But I was feeling unhappy about the people who joined to play with me earlier in the day, and then it upset me how they had "finished" the rotation quicker than I did. Especially one person in particular. I didn't want the 999 rank. But then I felt that if I was at 570, spending the extra three hours wouldn't be that bad. In truth it was a huge nightmare. I don't even like playing all of the grizzco weapons, so this whole thing made me feel like a fool. Eventually I did make it to 970 on my own. Which meant that I was two games away from 999. It didn't go as planned though and I dropped to 890 making it five games. All of a sudden I was feeling like crying, and I thought what is this situation? what am I doing.
I think I'm just burnt out right now. Joining the person that made me mad because I could tell we were never going to be on the same page. He doesn't have the same skill as I do. And I always feel like every little mistake is my fault first, so it was just twice as bad. Yesterday I felt angrier because last monday these two great players joined in with me and this person, and all that happened was that it made me exhausted. And of course led to games that were lost. I had a thought afterwards that those two will most likely never play with me again bc of that.
I feel like I'm at an impasse again. Either I get better at the game now, or keep the status quo. It's just a good time for a break I guess.
For me I feel especially annoyed because there are teens who are younger than me that are doing better. After all of these years I can't easily complete my goals in a video game? I want to make better practice so I continue playing and playing. But all it's making me feel is exhaustion. I think, why is there nothing to show for all the time I put into this game?
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Post by Captain Ally on Nov 28, 2023 0:28:52 GMT -6
You know what the cruelest part about my anxiety is? My parents are fine. And yet I get scared, and I'm kept up at night because I go over and over thinking, how well am I spending my time right now? Is it counting. I feel so awful every day when this crosses my mind. And then I get angry, because I'm jealous that I was still a dumb child three years ago! You're not supposed to sit here and think about the years you have left. It fucking sucks. And I know this. In the moments of clarity, I wonder maybe this is the last time I think about it. My mom is 56 years old, and my dad is 55. They're not even that old yet. And I cry because of my dogs too. They're little guys that chill and live in my house, and they don't know what taxes are. I hate thinking how they don't get to be with us forever.
I wonder every day now when I get to stop thinking like this. When I was in the bathroom earlier I felt like maybe this is just a trauma response that is resurfacing after ten plus years. In 2007 I lost 12 different family members. You know that saying that "it comes in three's". That happened to my relatives. At the time I was nine years old so I know I didn't understand what happened. But it's like, if such a big group didn't die together like that, maybe I would have actually gotten the chance to get to know them. My Aunt Leona I have no memories of, but I do remember my Aunt Mary...although it's fragmented. And also it doesn't help that both of my parents are the babies of their families. My great grandmother might have actually gotten to see me. Or maybe I would have been able to have memories with my paternal grandmother. Even with my grandpas, maybe I would have gotten to know them better had they actually still been here. My extended family on both sides is just in pieces honestly. Some moved so far away, or others refuse to talk to each other even knowing that their own parents and aunts/uncles would kick their asses had this been happening while they were alive. I still think about it now, how different I would feel if my family was all in one place. As much as I like some aunts and uncles, I don't see them much at all. My favorite uncle was actually really mean at his own son's wedding. Because my dad got mad at him for not showing up to my sister's graduation party, he decided not to go to my cousin's wedding. As a result my Uncle was grumpy and drinking, my aunt had few words to say to us. And my other cousins are so old that I felt awkward even being there. They were so unhappy that they didn't even try to get a family photo.
I get jealous when I see or hear of people who have strong bonds with their extended families. I think, must be nice. I want a cousin who is the same as my sibling, or an aunt/uncle who really care as if I was their own child. Just boundless love. It's so fucking hard to come by in my family. I fight with my dad sometimes, but I know he's there for me when it really counts. My parents show up, even for other people. Like my other aunt, she lost her brother suddenly. Me, my mom, and my dad went to the wake, and stayed the entire time because that's what you do. Some of my other family members couldn't be bothered, so they didn't show up. Or one of my aunts made an excuse to leave early. They live within 20 minutes. It takes us over 40 minutes to make the trip out there. The aunt who lost her brother, is having a fight that's been spanning twenty years with my other grumpy uncle. This is all from my dad's side of the family. My aunt doesn't remember who said what, or what even happened. But my other uncle, who I suspect did know at one point, but has now forgotten. Will not let up on his grudge. I know they will be angry with my parents, but we're inviting that entire side of that family so that they are under the same roof, in a neutral territory, and they either talk it out and forgive each other. Or at least clear the air. My aunt I can tell is still upset by it, and I feel like before it's too late, they need to resolve this.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 6, 2023 4:35:57 GMT -6
I got super upset at myself when I was playing Splatoon 3 again. Actually it started with Sockeye Station's Golden Rotation. I wasn't going to do 999, but then someone was like, I'll help you out it'll be fine. It was a massive train wreck. The person that joined me is someone I would consider to not be that great at the game. Once again like oil and water, I have no clue what they're thinking when they play the game. I was so unhappy because after I left them then they managed to finish their run a few hours later. I wanted to cry (actually I did cry when I couldn't win a few final games). Another problem was that a few new players I met in the previous Eggstra planned an overfishing session with me. I wanted to quit it but then I felt like that would be rude. So I played through it, and I felt worse.
what makes me unhappy right now is that I want the final gold banner before the year is over, but I feel like this game is just not fun. It's feeling like a job. I couldn't accomplish any goals during big run, or in a way that did not result in a time loss. And then I felt jealous of every other player. That person that joined me from above was okay, but I felt more exhausted after playing with them, and it made me annoyed all over again. I feel embarassed honestly. Like, I do play good. But when it matters I can't even do that well enough.
I want the stupid ass gold banner too, but even doing that before the year over is going to be impossible :( like, that was my goal during big run, get 75% of my needed scales left and then be able to buy the banner. But no. Not even my team was available to help.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 8, 2023 1:54:33 GMT -6
something about tonight is making me feel bad. Overall I'm nervous, there is just this feeling. It's in this moment where I don't know how to make sense of anything I feel like I've already fucked up. Yet I didn't. You can't fuck up if you haven't tried to do anything. Maybe I just feel bad because of my inadequacies in general. I haven't made use of my music talents or art. Watching the game awards I think what if I was there one day? Was there a path that I missed already. I don't want to be a game dev but something I felt I always wanted was a bit of recognition. I don't want to be some world famous artist, and people are kissing my feet because they see something invisible in me. I just want some people to be like, she's cool and I want to keep checking in with her. Maybe I do want my name attached to something where you can't help but recognize me.
And then I get back to square one. I'm 25, and I haven't properly left the house on my own in a couple of years now. I can't be like hehe, I'm just at my early twenties. I'm no longer an early twenties girly 🥺 It took a while to admit to myself, but I'm afraid of the world moving forward. My dogs get a year older, and so do my parents. I miss key family members that I won't get to talk to for the rest of my life. Every celebrity that I think is cool now is already near or older than my parents age. Actors that are my age were doing that work for at least a decade before I really recognized that I respect them.
Since I was a senior in high school I have always struggled with defining what I want to do. I'm constantly amazed at just how hard that question is to answer.
I get angry at myself when I get nervous. I have trouble being confident to voice talk on Discord. I struggle to carry conversations, I don't reach out to people I want to be friends with. My mom, dad, sister, and dogs are my world right now. And it is too small.
I also felt dread and nervousness earlier when I watched a twitch streamer mention that they finally got their tiny house. They live alone, and I thought, I'm not jealous but wow. I can't imagine myself living alone like that, it would destroy whatever is left of my mental health right now. When I think about turning 30 I don't imagine that I have a house, or I'm living in an apartment of my own. It makes me feel like crying. I guess I just don't want to be on my own. This just reminds me of last year when I was reading other people's stories on reddit about missing their mom's, or not having family. And they constantly state how comfortable it would be to live with their mom or dad one more time. When something happens in the next thirty years I'm going to be ruined. I have a feeling it won't be easy getting to 2030. Not that I'm depressive, but my true fear is that I don't want my life to end and I want everyone to be alive. Which cruelly is not the case for my dogs. I didn't think about that in 2019, when you can love someone or something so much, it will be hard to let go. April 2020 my dog Duke turned two years old. Realistically he might be 13 or 14 years old when he passes, it's really generous though. I want to always be there for him. He is my true best friend, and so is Penny, Bo, and Maple. I love them so much. It seems dumb but when I felt truly the worst I've ever felt in my life. Anxious about everything. I avoided petting them, it was like a reminder every time. I've gotten better, but when maple plays with her toys, or duke howls. I'm like, ohmyfuckinggod. They're each so unique and quirky, that's how all dogs are. my little guys though😢
I'm going to stop writing for today so I can calm down before bed.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 15, 2023 3:38:47 GMT -6
There was a woman a little younger than me on twitter the other day talking about how she felt so old at 23 and she went on to talk about how it's not true. And the age filter from tik tok just shows how much of a life people have left to live. I feel like that's part of a bigger conversation about people's perceptions right now. Hollywood will cast women who are in their 40's as on screen grandmothers yet cillian murphy or ryan reynolds are at the height of their careers and have been for a while now. When I was still in high school I remember one of my friends at the time, this is E, he said that when you're a kid you talk about things you can't wait for...such as driving at 16, having no curfew at 18, buying lotto tickets, being 21 and going to bars. And I'm thinking now, why do we do that? most kids are in such a rush to grow up, and some don't even get that choice. And then I sit here at 25, and I have no more of those milestone goals. I can't afford a house, even if I did want one, a lot of milestone choices were taken away from me before I understood what they were. My generation can't afford anything, maybe that's where my attitude comes from. The finish line is so far away.
Something else I notice about myself that I don't notice in other people is that I recognize so many issues in the world. Not that I know everything about anything. But it's like, I'm moderately tapped in? and not in a right wing conservative way. I just think, I have the luxury of going to the movies right now, and being able to quietly live in my suburb. But that's not true for 65% of people (this is a random number). I can go to my job and try to forget that time is slipping away from me, but it's impossible. I'm shaking right now, and all I wanted to do was read a new manhwa tonight. But the theme of this character waking up in a new life and accepting their new family even though their parents are still in the past world makes me not feel right. I was talking to a friend over discord the other night and they also have a general feeling of anxiety in the background about their parents. Their situation is a little different because he's 10+ years older than I am and is close/lives with them still.
When I mentioned I can't even get a house if I wanted to (talking about my choice, not financial option). I don't, because it scares me. I'm fine with the commitment of upkeep with a house because I help now with cleaning leaves, cutting grass, shoveling, changing bulbs or whatever. For me it's like, I feel so fucking afraid at the prospect that I'm living somewhere either by myself or with a new family that I create. I might have talked about this in an earlier post, but I think I have lingering trauma from living in college dorms 7 hours away from my family. it is so understandable that this sounds like a silly thing that affects me, but I sobbed for almost two hours after I watched my mom and sister drive off to get home. It made me scared at how their drive would be, and I wanted them to turn around and take me home too. all along I didn't want to go to Minnesota but i picked a school at random because my dad said I needed to aim higher than my local community college. It set me back a few years. Actually I never want someone to take me out to ice cream the night before an event ever again. Because my mom and dad did that and I still get emotional when I remember that time. like ice cream?? that should be a silly goofy time
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 19, 2023 3:01:10 GMT -6
I don't wish for this trauma on anyone. (it's not trauma, I just don't know what to call this...anxiety maybe?) my mom was making conversation with me. We were only talking about how over the years she happened to collect so many christmas decorations and happened to go through two different trends. Before it was fiber optic village sets and dancing snowman. And now she loves these gnomes that have shown up in every store.
The comment that made me feel a little bad was that she said one day when I move out, me and my sister can take a set of decorations for ourselves since she has too many. That should make me feel happy. It was open ended, but I think about it as is there a deadline? Do I need to be moved out in a few years or something? And I remember that I was miserable when I did that at 17/18. My roommate at the time went to my college but she lived so close that she was always going back home every weekend. I was often left alone, my upperclassmen that were in the dorms around me either were partying or really liked to keep to themselves. Looking back on it I almost wish that my school never paired us up together. Maybe if I was in the freshmen dorm rooms I would feel differently about living there during the school year. When I compare the relationship to my grandmother and one of my mom's sisters. I think it isn't good to live on the same block as your parents. But I feel like, I never want to be that far away from where they live either. My mom started out at an apartment that my dad's dad owned so she was always near one set of parents. When they saved enough money they bought their first home about ten or so blocks away from my grandmother and grandpa. But as fate would have it, that didn't work out because the neighborhood became a little dangerous. So we moved about 30 minutes away from that area and have been here since. I think I would like to do the same thing. Or at least live within the same neighborhood. Like if my parents stay in this area now, I kind of love how quiet and peaceful it is. We (me, my siste, and brother) never really knew peace because my parents had finnancial issues at the second home they bought. It stuck with them for over ten years, and this current house is the most stable the four of us have ever been (my brother is still no contact with us). I feel like my anxiety comes from being so uncomfortable in my formative years.
This was a very sad moment, but one day my mom said that she was sorry we had a hard time so many years ago. She asked if I disliked my childhood. I really love my mom, and I have never thought in all of my 25 years of life that I had a bad childhood. They allowed me to play video games, and my parents supported me with band and my interest in art. I have better parents than most people I know. If someone thought me liking shopping at the dollar store, or walmart was indicative of my childhood. I would call them rude. There has never been a time where I blamed my mom that we went to the dollar store so much. In fact I think we were blessed that place had essentials we needed.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 23, 2023 3:12:26 GMT -6
my posts get very sad, but writing my concerns out make me feel better. I would do a physical journal but using a pen for a long time hurts my hands a lot actually
this time of year I notice is usually melancholic for a lot of people. It's like, there is a lot of excitement for the holidays. Everything sort of kicks off with Thanksgiving, and then you're waiting for Christmas to happen with New Years following close behind. I just finished skimming through some posts on a Twitter thread where someone said they're feeling a lot of love but also greif because a beloved coworked passed away a few short weeks ago. This lady usually made tons of cookies and often shared them with her friends and family members. Not only were they all missing her, but they were reminiscing about her baking. Then lo and behold her husband brings in a batch of cookies which turned out to be from frozen cookie dough that was prepared ahead of time. On the same topic many people commented that they miss certain family members that always made or did something special that they shared with their loved ones. Most people carried on the tradition while others said how much they missed it. That's something you never think about. My mom has a recipe that we all refer to as the grandma cookies. It was from her grandmother, and they are similar to pecan delights. Basically you loosely mold the dough into crescent moon shapes and bake them. Then after they've cooled you roll each cookie in some powdered sugar. It just hits different from a store bought kind.
I know there are a lot of things that I'll miss. None that I can really put my finger on right now though.
Earlier my online friends were talking about an upcoming splatfest for Splatoon 3. At K's stream he said he would either be getting home late because of his work shift, or stay at home alone with his cat Tiger and jokingly said he would be sobbing for Christmas. For him he couldn't decide between which team to choose. The theme in question is How are you spending your holidays? With Friends, Family, or Alone?. I've talked to a lot of friends and it's pretty decisive. Like G said he'll pick Friends because a)he likes blue and it symbolizes Miku for him, and b)he doesn't spend that time with family. (Which I think means either they're estranged, or they live too far to get together). He said his friends are on Twitch. (im cryng) I feel sad when people willingly spend the holidays alone. Even though it's my little family I couldn't imagine not spending time with at least one person. Actually this year I think my grandmother is getting lonely because she said she'd like to come to our house. Even my aunt mentioned that she wanted to visit with us. For my aunt that probably means that my one cousin is going to his MIL's house because of their baby (this sounds weird, but I mean his baby that he has with his wife; it's her first christmas), and my other cousin (his brother) is going to be with his girlfriend. This aunt is a little bit much to handle at times, but I wouldn't refuse someone when they want to actually spend time with us.
One other thing that made me uneasy today is that my mom mentioned I need to get cracking if I want to have a family. my best friend said the same thing (for herself) that she wanted kids before 30. I think I do, but it's like, haha I have never been with someone. It would be a little crazy if I had a kid all of a sudden before 30. For me I think it's fine if it doesn't happen until I'm 28. That was my mom's age when she married my dad. Although once again, I need to actually meet someone...lol. I've been thinking about how to search for a job. But maybe my criteria is a little high. I don't want to be in fast food, and I want my weekends clear. I wish I could work with something in art. But I know that I shouldn't pick a stay at home job. I'm in this whole mess because I didn't leave my house to begin with. Maybe I will start feeling better when I finally get out into the world.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 26, 2023 0:54:36 GMT -6
I think I really hit the nail on the head when I said maybe I just have general anxiety. Growing up I had unfiltered access to cable tv. This meant I could watch shows such as 1000 ways to die, or medical mysteries. There was even one show that I think was on NatGeoWild (or the channel after it) and it followed a lady who worked through cases where someone had suddenly died, she often had to piece together what happened. More often than not they were very sad stories that I still remember. I wish I never watched them, it's not like that would have kept me from learning about tradegies like that. But that's another example of something happening in my formative years and it's negatively affecting me now. I feel as if when I leave the safety of living with my parents I would lead a bad life. All I think about when you live alone is back to those stories that I watched on tv. I remember one happened where a man was using nicotine patches so he could finally get over smoking, but one day his body could no longer handle the after effects of smoking, and the patches reacted to something else. They portrayed these actors as if the family was poor, it had orange colored lighting throughout the episode. And it was tragic. I'm not a smoker, I don't think I have the capacity of getting addicted to drugs and yet I'm scared?
Once again earlier my mom while chatting with my aunt and grandma said she wants to cherish the time she has with them now. I mean I totally agree, it just scares me that she's choosing to talk about it in such a way. I get it, my grandma is 86 years old, we're blessed with the time we have together now. For me I just really miss when I was younger and I didn't think about life in such a way as a clock counting down. I am lucky to be alive, but why does it hurt so much sometimes. I specifically get really upset because my dad has diabetes that he's in denial about. And when he was 28 years old he lost his own mother (two weeks after my birth). My maternal grandfather also had the same condition and all of that stress eventually got to him. He was barely retired and never got to enjoy that life with my grandma (they both would have been set up really nicely). I don't want that to happen to my dad as well. It's not like we're close since he was so mean when I was younger. But I can't deny how upset and sad I would be. Also for the fact that I don't want to know another person who works so hard to not spend their retirement happy and healthy. Something that I learned about just last night is that the average lifespan in the US dropped to 76.6 years old. I'm not sure what year the highest was, but I feel like 76 is not long at all. I want a long life with my parents.
It's not like I want to avoid thinking about my future, but it is really easy to just ignore it. Retirement, healthcare, home, insurance, transportation. It's stressful. Some nights I really want to continue to cry and cry, but it doesn't feel good.
Just now I remembered that on Saturday I looked and felt gross but I was procrastinating doing anything about that. So my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her to Kohl's and I said no because I didn't even move out of my bed by the time she called me. I feel a twinge of regret, and it's like, no you idiot!! it's okay. This is what I talk about when I say I feel bad sometimes. I actually spend my evenings, so think 6:30pm or at 7:00pm, with her until 11pm or midnight. It's not like I don't ever spend time with my mom. I don't get why I feel this way. Maybe it's my personal schedule that is just so bad. I can't keep this up forever, but I continue waking up around 1pm. So you could argue I miss out on what happens from 8am until I wake up. And I realize that someone else would be at their job during that time, however I'm sleeping. As a result when I wake up at 1pm, I'm not tired until early morning hours...think 3am-5am. Which, when I was younger worked out perfectly because back then I was a high schooler, and later on a college student. I worked a part time job that the shifts wouldn't start until after 4pm. It just lined up that way. But now I'm 25, going to be 26 in August. It might start affecting my health in real time. I possibly feel upset because of that. honestly I don't get much sunlight during the colder months, if I wake up around 1pm or later, then the sun is up for only an average of two hours or less. No vitamin C. It's just one fear however that I love my online friends now who I've centered around my daily schedule. I most likely would no longer be watching K's streams so diligently, and maybe my hobby of playing splatoon would no longer work out. Another thing I get scared about is that I would want to juggle my time with my four dogs and my mom in such a way that I don't lose out on the time for myself. That's the part about ADHD that gives me major issues, it's looking at a new schedule and making it work. Being an adult, I don't have to fit into a specific mold, but the freedom is almost too much to handle.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 11, 2024 2:22:34 GMT -6
I was thinking of a lot of things today. First early in the day I was reading up on other homos (talking about ancient humans). It was after I was on Twitter and someone was talking about how it's such a human like gesture to give reconstructions of other species smiling faces, or to show that they knew how to dress well and be groomed nicely. I was just thinking about how many lifetimes it's been, and we've all always been simply human. There is no reason to attribute the uncanny valley to being scared of our specie relatives. I know in my heart it was because on a basic level of evolution, that we needed a way to know to stay away from corpses. Dead bodies were humans, but they can no longer wake up.
When I was looking at google images of H.Floresiensis and H.Naledi it just captured my attention so strongly. I felt a little bit of longing. It's like, they lived for a while millions of years ago, but modern humans will never know how they acted. We don't know them. And even today the only concrete proof we had that homo sapiens were not alone is that less than 4% of all humans alive in this past century have some small parts of neanderthal DNA. When I looked at photos of reconstructions that have been created, it's like, I see some of those features and recognize that I've met people who might have resembled them. People with facial hair surrounding their entire face, some had wide noses, the smiles looked so familiar. Humans come in varying shapes and sizes, and it doesn't matter what their specie name is. If you think about it, it still is very wild how far in the last two hundred years that the human race has advanced. In fact there been so much exponential growth since we first came along. I think that might be why I get sad now lately. When I look at NFTs and AI generators ( will never call it Art) it feels so reductionist of history. And then I think, why do you want artificial life to advance? We haven't even solved our own issues, so why do we have a right to let robots loose.
Something else in passing I thought about again is how there is a day coming when my parents aren't watching over me. Not that they've passed, I just mean, my style will change and the only way they will know is when I come to visit. It's not like I'm going to move over two hours away like my uncle did to his own mother. I just mean, I will live somewhere, and lets say I go visit my parents every week. I will be changing all the time in between. I shouldn't feel sad, but then I'm like, oh no 😢 that's probably why I feel reluctant moving forward. I know that I really should. But being scared and staying home is easy. I think when I go to my doctor visit in April I'm going to have to have a chat with them about anxiety, or why I feel the way that I do. I would agree that it's not normal. Most people my age are starting the path of their careers, and I'm more preoccupied about how I'm spending my time with my family and dogs. I don't know what I want to do. I've never known actually. In high school it's the number one question people ask you, and I've never been able to answer that. I like art, but I need structure so I cannot freelance. I enjoy music, but there isn't a clear way to get into that profession (I don't want to play in a world class orchestra, that's not my goal). I get nervous so I can't turn video gaming into a career because you need to be entertaining and vocal to get an audience. And finally I'm on the fence about gardening for other people. I'm not sure if that's really a good answer.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 18, 2024 2:08:04 GMT -6
I recognize lately that I set myself up for failure all of the time. When I was younger I just wanted college to be overwith, it didn't matter in what capacity that was (no worries, I graduated safely). And then I wanted to walk away from my job, so covid was convenient. Now, I don't know what I'm running from. I'm as far away from problems as it comes. I'm just at home. As far as I'm aware, my parents are bright and healthy. But every day there is this nagging feeling. I'm just reminded all of the time how I feel doomed that I'm starting my life while they're winding down. It's like, in my mind I understand how normal that is. But like, moving forward is fucking me up. I recently had an online friend who confided in me that he felt terrible that a friend he made on xbox years ago passed suddenly. They weren't super close, but he had plans to play GTA 6 with him, and now that can't happen.
Every where I turn I get reminded how life just moves on with or without you. I hate that I feel upset. I want to flip a switch, and go back to being "normal". Before two years ago I was happy go lucky, whatever came my way I dealt with it, and it didn't affect me. Things happen around me now and I sit on it for days. Like, someone lost a parent, and I get scared for my mom or dad. Someone has to say goodbye to their dog, and I notice that mine are growing hair that is lighter in color. My sister is doing good in college even though she's supposed to be the baby of the family. And I still cannot understand why my brother would make the decision to go no contact with us. I think about my extended family that likes to keep to themselves. We tried recently to host a christmas party, and they made elaborate excuses so they didn't have to come. One day they're going to leave us for good, I feel bitter now in the moment, and I know it's going to make me depressed later on. I get the most afraid for my grandmother. There was a moment when she was at my house recovering from a fall she had in the Summer of 2022, and one night I went into one of my crying spells and later on after dinner she was chatting with me and my mom. The topic came up that she could have really been in danger this time (because she had fallen in the nursing home and could have developed a blood clot in her brain), then the room fell silent. I forgot who said what and then we were laughing. But it was the kind of laughing so that we didn't have to think about what just happened. She's so silly, and bull headed. For a long time it was my grandmother against the world. She fought with her mom, had disagreements with her siblings, and three of her daughters are the worst adults I have ever met. My grandma was my one and only grandparent. After 2015 none of her original family members were left alive. This is cruel but I don't share her same goal, she wanted to outlive everyone, and she did. But I would be greiving for the rest of my life if I was left after my parents, cousins, and siblings passed. It's not even about enjoying life. I just feel like, after my parents and if I didn't have a surviving sibling, what life would there be left to live? Where is the beauty in a world if I was alone.
As I see it now, I'm not sure there is a love story for me. Wy tried, and I dissapointed him. And as it is now, I might not meet anyone. I read so many romance stories, and I get mad for the female leads, but it's like, I have no experience in that field. Someone recently confided in me after a break up and I was totally unaware how to help them. We ended up just talking about how I think of them as a friend, we don't converse that much, but I'm still here for them. Finally I think I just feel hopeless because of Palestine, and the fact that Covid-19 is in another surge across the world. In the United States there are over 2 million cases. What makes me angry is how broken our healthcare system is. I'm suffering from low iron and I would love to talk to my new doctor, but the next appointment that was available is in April. Like, how many people are sick that I can't get in touch with my doctor when I need to. Iron issues are not a problem for the care station, not that they would help in a timely manner anyways. I really hope it's not affecting my heart.
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