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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 12, 2017 22:24:12 GMT -6
My introduction is out there, but here is a way to find out more information you wouldn't normally hear from me. :3 I created this site because recently I went back to websites that I was inactive on and I missed messing around with bbcode. When I first learned it I was putting transparent images anywhere I could. It was so fun, and when I tried out a blog it just wasn't the same as forum sites. Especially considering I was writing stories with these kind of images in the middle of a post about ordering 666 chicken nuggets..XD When I was much more active on Pokeheroes, I kept a diary there too. it's funny after looking through it, I noticed how I'm such a completely different person lol I even had posts about my friends, how nostalgic! Here's some rapid fire information: - Whenever I go out with my family to a restaurant I almost always prefer an omelette to everything else - One of my paintings is displayed in front of one of the biggest hospitals in the Midwest. It's painted on an acorn mold. - I'll be immortalized through my Shuckle on Pokeheroes - I love to be busy doing menial tasks like posting daily here to get users. Sometimes I really enjoy doing shit that no one will ever see. Like I have a giant masterlist of all my flightrising dragons and it's the most fun to keep track of. - Impressions are everything to me - My favorite artist is Anselm Keifer - I'm an Introvert - If you look at my YouTube, Soundcloud, and Spotify accounts I have a large collection of music in playlists - What's sleep? I don't go to bed at a normal time because of my chronic illness. - I want to be so extra that I own the rights to a rare pigment - My trumpet is a Bach Soloist. And I mostly play it with a 5c mouthpiece - The love I have for cats makes up for the fact that I can't pet them because of my allergies
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 25, 2017 16:15:16 GMT -6
I uh, I never think anyone notices me. I mean I'm scared that people see everything wrong but when it comes to what's held back it never crosses my mind that someone notices anything. I was in my Com class and we were talking about an article, it was written and published in some Chicago Newspaper. We were discussing it, and the one thing no one noticed was the parallels this author was making. He was talking about Trump and the Vietnam War. Everyone was glossing over that this guy wasn't mad at him, albeit he was slamming him here and there though. Anyways I went to say something but I couldn't finish it because my professor wanted my deeper thoughts on my idea and I freaked out. Well after class my professor in his own ways was telling me that I should know that it's great in it's own way that I chose to speak up when no one else did. Everyone becomes a chicken and won't think for themselves and what not but it got me thinking again. I was relieved you know that people are still people and are good at being that, but it made me remember things about myself again.
You know my friends are being very weird right now. It makes me miss when we were all out doing whatever because it was fun being together. Maybe it's also me that's part of the problem, I can't even tell my so called best friend that I think she's being unfair. I'm the chicken guys. And you know what? Isn't that funny that I can judge people but I can't admit to myself just that. I don't joke around when I say I hate myself but because I can't open up no one will ever know what I mean. It's cruel. To me and everyone else. It's a great joke I'm making, a sad one but whatever I'll be the loser.
I never want to depress anyone's mood but no one will know that sometimes I'm unhappy if I just keep writing notes on my phone to myself.
In other news somehow I've been lucky enough to find 3 masterpiece level manga's in one week. I'll share them in the mangathread. Adieu.
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Post by Captain Ally on Dec 1, 2017 0:26:02 GMT -6
About two years ago I found myself really loving Zion T's music, and now in 2017 I'm wrapped up in kpop groups. What a wild time. Haha but I love it! What I'm listening to: - Shinee
- GOT7
- EXO
- BTS
- Seventeen
- Super Junior
- BLACKPINK
My Bias from each group I listen too (Damn honestly this is reallly hard lmao)- Suga [BTS] Heechul & Yesung[Super Junior] ...You know what? I love them all it's so hard to pick one person to be a bias I'm done Onew [SHINee] JB [GoT7] Baekhyun [EXO] S.Coups, The8, Dino, Jeonghan & Joshua [SVT] Rose [BLACKPINK]
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Post by Captain Ally on Feb 19, 2018 0:50:03 GMT -6
I have a hard time becoming friends with others but sometimes I wish I got more recognition.
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Post by Captain Ally on Mar 17, 2021 2:11:26 GMT -6
An Update: In terms of my health, it has gotten significantly better than five years ago. I have a chronic illness but it's basically kept under check now. Because of the pandemic, I feel so well rested everyday. And I even went back to having time for my hobbies. I'm able to read as much manga as I can in a day, and I went back to reading physical books too. I can enjoy movies and shows too along with anime. It's great but when this pandemic ends..
I'm going to go back to being depressed and lonely everyday. It's unavoidable because I need a job to survive and pay my debts. You know how people complain on TikTok and everywhere else about never being able to make many friends after high school? I found out that it literally stems from how our towns and cities are planned. It's all about making us live so isolated from one another. When we do eventually meet people after high school, a lot of relationships boil down to the intent for marriage because we literally cannot live on our own without two salaries. It's not my fault but everyday I feel like the biggest loser, I just am really thankful that I still am on good terms with my best friends from high school. Your adult life in the states is literally just focused on work. For my parents at least, it mostly is: wake up, eat, get ready, get to work, --8-12 hr shift--, get home or go to store for much needed shopping, eat or just get straight to bed, and then rinse and repeat. I desperately don't want to live like that but I cannot avoid it because people in America are so brainwashed that we cannot vote in people that will help us change this shit. Literally there are a bunch of old fucks in the government that still think the U.S in 2021 is like the U.S in the 1960s. It hurts and I'm scared for my future everyday. his is a giant ramble but I have so much anger Lol
The American people are so down bad that we can't fathom seeing each other get proper help. The $15 minimum wage is still being debated when it should be up to $25 or more. Biden also still owes us $2000 checks. $1,400 is cool but they specifically said that the 2k was on it's way and then they passed a different bill all while another country got bombed. I'm so tired of this country, even if I get to leave I still will eternally be paying taxes to this godforsaken country. Literally it's a felony to not report your earnings if you live and work somewhere else unless you relinquish your citizenship. I'm tired. so so tired.
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Post by Captain Ally on Mar 18, 2021 20:52:35 GMT -6
Rant about Pokemon. You know how you never hear arguments about Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest sticking to their roots? It's because they give the fans what they want. Also this cycle of producing Pokemon anime, merch, and games as fast as they can is shit. The other two franchises are so much better because they actually go through a development cycle. You know that after a new game it's going to be a while before the next but there is so much content and story and things to do that you'll be tided over until then. GF has just continuously disappointed people. They stay on the rails, and when we ask for some major improvements all that comes with the newest gens are bullshit gimics. I loved mega evolutions, but those could've very well been new evolutions to existing pokemon. And then Z-moves were just as weak of an addition. I have always felt that the animations take way too long. Dynamax and Gigantamax have been the worst additions by far. If they were going to limit them to den and stadium use only, they could have worked it out better. Half of the time you can just dyna your pokemon and sweep a team. SwSh are such clunky games and at this point I'm convinced that they were always meant to be shovelwear for the switch. It definitely was a 3ds port that they worked on before they realized that the Switch was a big seller. Like they were def games that just needed to be released in whatever capacity. It infuriates me that GF wanted to go more story driven but then when they give us story and plot, it feels like some amateur wrote it. And that's the tradegy of Gen 5. Ever since XY there have been cutscenes about characters and events that I could give two shits about. And also these Cutscenes take an ungodly amount of time to get through. Sun and Moon were the worst offenders of this by far. SwSh sucks ass the most though because besides the shit of cutscenes and a bad story, we are constantly told to go beat the gyms as if that's what we wanted the fucking game for. Sonnia and Leon constantly dangle the actual story in front of our faces, it's terrible. You ever wonder why we don't see sequels or third games anymore either? It literally is because of what Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon did. I have never felt like I wasted money until i picked up Ultra Moon and realized it was just a polished verson of Sun and Moon. There was nothing that warranted a sequel to them. At least with Yellow you got pikachu as a partner, and Emerald, Platnimum and B2W2 fix problems that existed in the first versions. The only other sequel that doesn't get a pass is Crystal because it just exists to be pretty, I'm biased to that game though because I got to play it entirely on my own without my brother stepping in and either deleting my file or trying to play for me. But that's besides the point. --- What I want out of an rpg is to feel like I'm on an adventure!! I want to play these games because I feel like I actually escape my life for a few hours a day. Pokemon has lost sight of that entirely. I get what I want out of Pokemon elsewhere easily, but it just hurts to watch a franchise that I've loved since I was a young child turn into a rotting pile of shit. Other franchises have achieved massive success but it sucks that Pokemon treats their success as a pass to make bad games. Honestly it's a big shame that GF treats it's IP as something that needs to be imortaly perserved for ages to come. Like the self reboots are cool but I miss when it was all about being an rpg that could rival Dragon Quest. That competetiveness that they used to have is gone and it has left a giant hole in it's quake. I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way. Pokemon has become a husk of it's former self. GF has so much money, and I just wish that they would hire some good fucking writers and devs already. My jaw dropped when I found out that for SwSh the team was comprised of over 1,000 people. The biggest team yet and somehow the game became worse than it's predecessors. It's so ironic that there's been so much success and money that it's the one thing that brings Pokemon down. The biggest downfall honestly. Back to what I said about gen 5. It wasn't going to win awards or anything but there was much more care sprinkled into the game everywhere. And it felt like such a big step forward after Sinnoh. I felt like it was going to get better and better and then they drop a bombshell on us and jump from sprite work to 3d. Now I was really excited originally, I spent well over 700 hours on that game. I seen that shit with rose tinted glasses. It wasn't until SwSh that I started to "take them off". I did think SM were perfectly good games but then I started to see people pick them apart more and more and I realized the absolute bafoonery of GF. With Gen 7 and 8 they went and reused every. single. fucking. asset. What the hell. They didn't even bother to make anything look better. More movement to the animations? Nope. Which is why I say it was a like a bomb dropped on us. The sprites had more character in their tail tips than the entirety of two whole ass gens. That's just embarassing. And I'm embarassed for buying the games. I showed support for such lazy game making. The only reason I bought the DLC is because it looks like someone actually cared about those two expansions. The Crown Tundra was what I wish the entire games looked like. That is what I wish to see more of. --- Pokemon Legends is scary for the exact reason that I don't know how they're going to be. We've got a year until they release. And we don't even that many details aside from weird screen caps and a reveal trailer. Maybe I should be hopeful but I don't know anymore. On the official website it does say that Pokemon legends: Arceus is a more in-house project right. Like so it's a GameFreak game being created by Creatures Inc. They claim that this is an action game with new RPG elements. Is it going to be good? Well that's hard to say. This is something that fans have been asking about long before BOTW was even released. Most major JRPG's have a large open area, think like Xenoblade Chronicles. It seems like this is more of a interaction with the entire game, rather than taking you character walking around and doing things. The thing I am scared for is that it says that this story is set before such ideas like being a pokemon trainer exists and the Pokemon League being created. That is worrying because then what exactly are you going to be doing besides battling pokemon and recording them down for a pokedex...? What I do like so far, is that the starters are themed. We've got a blacksmith(Cyndaquil), bowman(Rowlet), and samurai(Oshawott). Which is fucking cool, cuz it's like a huge nod to feudal Japan. I think it's interesting that the pokeballs will always be in their big form because of course there's no tech here. Some things I'd really like to see: - "extinct" pokemon. It'd be cool if they could make exclusive pokemon to this timeline only. Maybe there are pre-evolutions or modified breeds that died out. This is something that has always happened to dogs, cats, and horses. It'd be cool. - to be able to start towns. Maybe as we explore the region (because remember there are some areas never seen before) we start to collect people and materials and that's how cities like Snowpoint or Celstic town are made. It'd be interesting because I'm just worried that there won't be enough content. I don't want this to be a super quick game. I want it to be long as fuck. - Actual Character actions. I want to see them sitting in chairs, and what not. - I want there to be so many details that I'm still finding some of them long after I've gotten done with the main story. And it's something that I find out from a YT channel because I was so focused on other aspects of the gameplay. Like how there would be a difference between pokemon species and how they spot and then charge at you. - Climbing obstacles instead of going through six-thousand fucking routes just to get to the other side. I understand that was a way to make the game longer but it didn't have to be tedious like that lmfao Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if the footage that we got from the trailer has been like a year old already. I could see that being the case. I feel like the trailer we got was because it's Pokemon's 25th anniversary. I feel so positive about this game like maybe they've finally taken the franchise in the right direction. I'm really hopeful and relieved that they are taking a giant leap like this.
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Post by Captain Ally on Mar 22, 2021 23:41:25 GMT -6
Can we talk about how weird it is that the Pokemon Company only does remakes of the first pair of games instead of the third installment..where most of the problems that existed are fixed? The more I think about the BDSP games, the more confused I am. The same thing happened with ORAS, Emerald content was just gone and I remember back then everybody was holding out for that third sequel to be released in all it's glory. I feel like that's going to be the case with Platinum. :[ Honestly I really don't want megas in the remakes. D/P/P existed BEFORE THEM. It makes absolutely no sense to add them back two generations later. Also the reason I feel so sure about this is because with Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team DX, in the first trailer it had megas like it was supposed to be one of the main selling points. Literally BDSP is the selling point lmfao.
I'm going to be honest here, they look like ass. Eveything since XY has looked like ass. SwSh is a pretty disappointing game and I feel like Legends and BDSP will be the same.
I just don't agree as to why the remakes have to be faithful to the originals. It's not even sprited work so like in what world would ppl be happy with a weird chibi style that has none of the charms that the sprite work had. And also why doesn't it look closer to the style of SwSh?? They should've made it on the engine for the switch games, because honestly it looks like we got a remaster straight from the 3ds era. I just don't understand why they're making this game, one of which was plagued by the hardware limitations of the DS the same way..? You can't tell me they're "remaking" them to show off the hardware, these games have literally no purpose except to placate fans. The only reason that ORAS was even made was because they were making another game fully realized in a 3d setting. I don't understand anymore.
Something that I revisted and looked at in the trailers for both titles (legends and BDSP) is that they still haven't fixed how the overworld reacts with everything in it. There are pokemon models that don't even react next to pokemon that are near them. I have never seen a company move more slowly than GF does. Every single RPG that gets released upstages them every time. Unless BDSP are breaking some major records, I really am not going to buy them this time. I used to be a pretty faithful fan of the franchise but the decisions lately are just losing me here.
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Post by Captain Ally on Mar 28, 2021 3:08:32 GMT -6
This is really destructive, but I still think that the nighttime is the only time I have for myself. Like sure even though we're in a pandemic and I have the entire day free because I'm at home. I'm still stuck in the mindset that I can only enjoy movies, music or games at night. I stay up past 3:30 am regularly. I like to lie to myself and say it's just because of my hypothyroidism. That's not true. I just don't know how to fix this. --- Sometimes I just really don't like myself. I don't hate how I am physically but mentally I'm always upset at myself. Around December I took a really big break from everything in my life, I had to take a step back because I think the stress of everything was getting to me. 2018 was a bad year and I've kept that to myself for three years it just kind of rose to the top and I reached a boiling point. At my favorite streamers stream, I snapped at someone and at the same time I thought some people I had considered friends (I think that term needs to go both ways) did not like me at all. I had known them all since I got my switch in 2017 so it was starting to hurt a lot to feel alone there too. I get upset at myself because I'm distant from others, and this one person (that I considered a friend) sometime after Thanksgiving in the stream had said that they were thankful for all the people they've met and proceeded to list everyone but me. I know it's my fault but it doesn't mean that it didn't hurt. When everyone comes together randomly in the week I can never join because I'm either playing a game with the streamer or I'm doing something else so we never get closer. And there's this really big hurdle in the way because we don't often share the same interests. They're really into sports and Fall Guys and I'm just not. I even wrote on my personal Twitter that I've tried for so long and that I'm just tired of continuing. I shouldn't think like that but when I got irrationally angry I thought about it for the entire week and decided that maybe I really need that break. I was orginally going to be gone for a week and then that turned into the next week and then the next month. I keep bringing up that bad year to myself again and again, but I still feel affected by what happened. It's so stupid, but I still feel upset. I don't understand anymore. It makes me angry at myself. I've talked to one person in the past about it, but I want to reach out to my friends. When I try to, I just can't bring myself to broach the topic. There's no easy way to go, "hey this person i considered a friend was shitty and mentally abused me. Can we talk about this? :)". It can't happen. I'm so tired. Sorry about the negativity. But when I finally got out of the break that wasn't supposed to be such a long break. I found out that a lot of people were concerned about my quiet, sudden disappearance. It's so stupid but I really didn't believe them at first. I had only thought it was niceties. It wasn't until last week when I went back through the streams I had missed (from early December to early February) that I seen messages, even from the person who didn't name me from above, asking if there was any information yet. I respect the streamer more now too because they had simply said I was just moving and there was no internet yet. It was very nice of them to say that, they didn't have to. I should have said something.
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Post by Captain Ally on Apr 23, 2021 15:50:50 GMT -6
I'm really excited for the upcoming Shang-chi movie. Right now I really like Jackson Wangs music and it's kind of funny because before we seen a trailer tease with his singing in it, he was denying that he was going to be in any movies for 2021. Wellllll here we are lol I was watching YouTube videos last night, and in one (I can't remember the name) Jackson said there's like 40 songs waitng to be released this year. I'm-- omfg. He hinted that there's going to be an english and chinese album. Like seperate music, where it won't be "*insert song name* english version". I can't wait, it's going to sound so good.
I should prioritize getting a vaccine anyways, but i really want to get one now just so I can safely see this one in theaters. Aaaaah so exciting.
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Post by Captain Ally on May 6, 2021 2:30:36 GMT -6
I'm going to be 23 relatively soon (August) and ever since I entered my 20s I still think it's weird that I'm this old. I always imagined that people out of their high school years magically had their lives together and now here I am laughing at the way I used to think. I once heard a girl on YouTube say that your 20s are really for just relearning the world and it's funny how true that is. All of a sudden people around me are making huge life decisions and i think they're weird because I still think we're pretty young. Like for instance two people I was in band with are married with their first child and I'm here at home just dogwatching for my parents and trying to dodge miss corona. Lol
Lately I can't decide if I'm becoming old or not. Which is totatlly weird because I'm only 22. You know my worst fear has changed instead to being scared that I'll be out of touch with the rest of my generation. Like with memes, games, movies and whatever else.
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Post by Captain Ally on May 12, 2021 2:22:43 GMT -6
This one time, one of my friends that I had known for a long time, (I guess we can be considered internet strangers now) was like HEY we need to keep in contact with each other and I was like what the hell do you think I've been trying to do?? He didn't respond to that but anyways all I can remember now is how much he would avoid telling me his twitter or literally anything else to contact him with so now sometimes I check in with a random pokemon site to see if he ever sends a message. And of course he doesn't. Lol. It's weird that a lot of my first memories online involved this one person and I seriously no longer know anything about him, all I've got is his name, home state, and age. Whatevs. Man if you don't make an effort you will never manage to keep in touch with anyone. That's the only sucky part about your 20s, because all of a sudden we're all adults and you don't get time to make much social interactions with other people or your current friends. :/
Realistically if that person ever reached out again, I think I'd seriously be pissed for like a few minutes and then be like fuck it, how the hell are you. I still remember the last time we talked and I was like can I add you for games (on switch and pc) and he straight up said no, it was so cold lmao. I got like a 5000 crit hit that day lol Now that I think about it, he was always so fucking wishy washy. Like one second he'd be fun and nice and the next he'd be talking to another person and make an insult against me. Were we even friends? omg. To be fair most of my interactions with him was on a pokemon site so I don't know exactly what I was expecting here.
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Post by Captain Ally on May 18, 2021 18:42:16 GMT -6
My mom has always been terrible with organizing. She has things that sit in the boxes that they shipped in and a lot of things just go unused overall. As a result there's always a few rooms that go haywire and look like they belong on the show Hoarders. We moved in 2019 and half of her things that were in a storage unit got moved directly to the garage at the new house. As a consequence of working throughout this entire pandemic she has yet to go through anything. I keep saying that she should rent one of those junk trucks and start tossing shit, but she argues that if it has use or any value that she needs to resell it first. Buddy if you keep taking that approach you're never going to be able to use the other half of your garage.
Anyways, today I went throught the "pantry" room -I use the air marks because really only one corner and a wall have food and the rest was extra junk. She was pissed immediately, all I did was stack everything up better and got rid of expired food, which might I add has been sitting there since february 2020. Yuck. I just don't understand why she wants to have parts of her house go unlived in like that, like this is exactly how you get bug problems. All those nooks are perfect dark spaces. I made her mood worse when I said this is why she has issues locating important documents. I found some papers that have my grandmother's name on them and I was like, how long until you would've needed these papers and then given up and paid for another copy? It's not okay.
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Post by Captain Ally on May 28, 2021 1:01:31 GMT -6
Something totally gross that happened recently was that my mom was like, "so..what are your plans when your unenployment benefits run out? :)" and honestly I hadn't thought that far. Living in the states makes it feel as if this pandemic will never end LOL so I keep feeling like I'll be able to stay at home and like I know that's not the case but goddamn is it nice. I haven't really talked about this but I was working the same job that I had since I was a Junior in high school. When I was 16, there were more and more things that I wanted to buy for myself so my mom had suggested that I work with her. And until march 2020 I was always just there. If I'm being honest, this pandemic made me open my eyes a bit and realize how much I hated going to work. When I was first starting out, I'd get all worked up before each shift and feel sick, and then near the end I would dread going in every time I was scheduled. Like it was so bad to the point that a few times I was arguing with my mom because it felt like we were always stuck with the shitty paying jobs because she couldn't say no. I'm so glad we got furloughed. I'm never going back, I work for a big company so honestly I don't see a problem with sitting her enjoying my hobbies and saving up money.
I call them "shitty jobs" because at an arena there's like three tiers of jobs. The first and worst is working the sports games, you get a decent crowd but this will always pay minimum wage. Often times the fans are the cranky elderly or rich parents who want to be cheapskates (I know they're rich because who carries around $100 bills in their wallets?!), and schools that got free tickets. Like I said it's not good pay. The next tier consists of the low paying concerts and the high traffic events. I've included low paying concerts here because with these events have a smaller range of fans. For example, someone like Twenty One Pilots had a more teen fanbase and thus the kids and the parents that came with couldn't drink resulting in a lower take home pay. The worst concerts are the radio hosted ones, I've gotten some checks back that were about $200-250 in pay. Ew. These often are scheduled on the more undesirable weekdays, like the work week (5 days) or Sundays. The third and best tier is the high paying concerts, these are high because often here you've got an older performer with a wide range of fans so often times these are scheduled on Fridays or Saturdays and people are drinking their liquor like fish. These shifts pay well over $40 per hour. The best I ever worked was three days of Phish concerts, I felt like I was dying but I won't lie that the pay was fucking amazing lol. The tips I took home that weekend was around 500 bucks. 👀😂
WAIT but anyway. As chaotic as that job was, the good times do not outweigh the shit experiences that I had. Like near the end before the pandemic the crowds were getting smaller and smaller and it seemed as if performers were coming to the arena less and less. I don't know if it's because they would've packed the house and needed more space or if there was a money issue in the mix. I don't care though because I need to think about what I'll do next. I know my next job will not be located so far that I need to leave my house an hour early just to make it in time for my shift, that was terrible and this is the best advice that I could give you: if the travel time is longer than 30 mins, it's not worth it.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jun 4, 2021 0:59:35 GMT -6
Something that I know is toxic that I can't stop doing is looking at photos when I was not as fat. It's pretty bad, because you know, I consider them taken when I was pretty. And like I understand that you get older and you get more adult looking but it still upsets me a lot that I got hypothyroidism. Like I cried the other day because I still can't find decent shirts anywhere. It's a double issue for me because I'm fat and tall, in plus size clothing those two never mix. And then if you find a site advertising tall options, they make you look like a 50 year old. I can be young and fat, I don't understand why clothing makers still don't understand this. Walmart used to have tall and plus size as options for shirts but then they abruptly stopped carrying them. It's so frustrating. And then the kicker is that if you do find nice tall clothing it's not plus sized. The sizes end at 2X.
Something else that upsets me is that when I do let others take photos of me, they will never look good unless the phone is from at least my eyesight level. My mom is 5'9 and I'm 6'1. If she holds her phone at a comfortable height to take a photo, all of a sudden every feature on my body makes me look like I'm a blobfish. It's so upsetting, one day i was feeling really pretty and my mom took a photo and it gave me anxiety for like three days because I wasn't sure if that was how everyone actually saw me or not. In fact I still don't know. Everything sucks being plus size and tall.
Lately when I buy shorts I have just given up on caring. They're going to be short, but not in a way where my ass cheeks hang out. I used to like a comfortable bermuda short, those of course would sit shorter on me and be a couple inches higher than normal. But now I like shorts that sit on my mid thigh. Which means if I see something cute it's going to be that long on me. Ooh one last thing, I was recently upset with Old Navy. On their website for the plus size girlies, they claim under each of the size and fitting descriptions that they're 5'9. Well that was a big ass lie because I tried on a shirt that was long as fuck on the model and then it came in the mail and it barely sat around my waist. That's just wrong, the height of the model must have been way shorter. Ugh.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 12, 2021 19:15:41 GMT -6
Damn I had a whole entire crying session earlier. When I was at my college, I had made this one painting and it took a considerable amount of time. Like I spent more than a month at least. And so I've had it since 2018. Like it's been with me for a while. So obviously I was very upset today after I sold it. I still kind've feel like I should get it back. But yeah I went through so many emotions while bawling my eyes out. Like it's a part of me right, so of course I should feel pretty sad. I'm not really over it yet honestly. Because like 20 minutes ago it dawned on me that now the painting is with someone else. It's no longer down the stairs and in my art room. I kind of feel like I didn't really get as much as I should have either. I spent a lot of time on that painting.
Is it rude to be like, hey can I get it back?
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Post by Captain Ally on May 7, 2022 23:08:57 GMT -6
it's funny to me now that I was so incredibly upset. I do think the painting is worth a couple hundred dollars more than I sold it for. I don't even remember the price anymore. I talked it out with my mom and we were able to get my painting back. sometimes I don't consider myself to be a very attached person but I get so hung up on firsts and milestone type of things. Like that painting was a first of many, like biggest painting, it won an award, and everyone appreciated it. This is it: at the time when I was so excited about getting out to my table and selling things, I was looking through my paintings and was like whatever if it sells that's great. Now I know I should think about them more, I get too impatient half the time. I'm just lucky I sold it to a person who gave me their buisness card, if it was a stranger, that's it. Someone else would've had and I couldn't of had the chance to get it back. Now I realize that it's hard to not have remorse about those type of things. anyways, i've been at home still since the last post. nothing much changes in my life. Although I had made some more friends, but I'm on the fence about them. One of my 'friends' I think just wanted me around because we played the same game for a while. Idk how to feel about them. And my other friend talks to me about things they read, we have the same hobby of manga reading, which is cool. although right now i'm heavily procrastinating replying back to them. It was a super long email so I feel like if I reply with less than half the amount of content it looks like I'm being rude. I know it's weird but yeah. I'm tending to the garden again as well. and lastly I was supposed to be looking after my weight/health more but I lost all motivation I had over the winter. I can't bring myself to care about it too much. that's my life I guess lol
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Post by Captain Ally on May 11, 2022 3:17:50 GMT -6
Oh btw these are my thoughts on legends arceus. when I first played it I thought it was *the* best game of the year, but it's not. Don't get me wrong I love the style direction, that's such a fresh addition to the game that made me want to go and finish the main story right away. But like it's not the greatest game released. Some of my negative reasons are a little petty but they matter just as much as if the game had bad mechanics and played terribly. What I don't like after finishing is the loading time between going to explore one of the five areas and getting back to the town. I wish it was more like botw in that there wasn't many loading screens. I would've loved a more seamless game, where you could walk between any major area. smh. something else that I don't like is how quickly you can finish pla, I don't want a beefy game where it takes hours to get shit done...but as a seasoned gamer, at times the game was too easy. I had to slow myself down to make sure I enjoyed it enough. which also made me realize that I think I'm just ageing out of the series. It's not at the difficulty level or enjoyability that I want to see. so I'm not even going to bother buying scarlet or violet. I know I'll feel like I could've spent my sixty dollars better elsewhere if I did buy it. anyways, i wanted to see more content from the games. Think more side quests and main quests. After finishing the game I realize that I would've liked to see more of a climb to each noble pokemon fight. what I mean is that I wanted more of an impact from what seems like such big boss fights. Speaking of the big boss fights the only point in the game where I was really "wowed" was the giratina fight but once again that wasn't that big of a challenge and was extremely late game. Something I hate above everything else I mentioned is how catching and getting shiny pokemon quickly rendered them useless and lackluster. It used to be a lovely surprise but I found myself not even bothering wanting to find them after the fifth shiny encounter in my game. Finally I'd like to mention that once again finishing the pokedex wasn't interesting, because like I said, shiny pokemon weren't a fun surprise.
honestly I was really pissed off with how the events were handled too. I don't like when companies expect players to have bought into all their bullshit with multiple games, and then reward people who throw money at every project. bdsp was the shitty game, I wasn't wasting 60 bucks on that bullshit, so yeah I was angry when they had limited time events for pla and bdsp. Also I think if they were going to revisit sinnoh so many times, why did they choose to cut out certain legends. makes no sense. not having darkrai was a missed opportunity, I was happy at the beginning of pla because I thought the wisps were for darkrai but imagine my disappointment when I found out it was just a stupid little collectathon for crappy prizes. Which by the way, raising your trainer rank was only for shitty prizes. sure it acted like badges but I thought something cooler would've happened along with that too. wtf. these games starting form swsh till now are exactly why I don't want gamefreak to ever look in gen 5's direction. leave it alone. go remake pokemon ranger if you're really running out of ideas.
anyone who reads this should be happy that I won't complain about the next games. You won't catch me wasting more money on that company ever again. splatoon 3 and botw's sequel will be the better releases to look forward to. also honorable mentions are xenoblade chronicles 3 and MH Rise's DLC Sunbreak. Kirby was surprisingly very good, that was another franchise that i felt was losing it's way. I want to play Omori on my switch too. I was really happy with that game honestly. Omocat is another one of my favorite artists.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jul 14, 2022 18:51:14 GMT -6
So funny that in early May it seemed like everything was peachy in my life. What happened was that my brother had come into town. It's a yearly vacation that he takes to come visit with my family (which consists of me, my younger sister, and parents). That was all good, but when it came time to drop him off at the airport I felt terrible. See he's been moved out for 7 years, like him leaving is nothing new. I don't know what set me off.
Usually I spend my days at home. Typically alone. I used to love that. I would game, or garden, or what have you. It was fine with me. That was how I spent my pandemic and even post pandemic. I was furloughed from my weekend job and I loved not being exhausted to do whatever I want. In May 2020 I finished my college degree. Pretty much I was freed from most of my responsibilities. I seen my friends or the occasional family member, but I was literally very happy. I'm usually laid back, and kind of a happy go lucky person.
Right now, I still can't really put it into words but I think when he came home, and he and my parents were talking about his struggles. What I previously ignored, adult responsibilites, were so in front of me. That now I can't go back to the way I was before. Since May I've been struggling so much with my emotions. It's not like my parents are getting ready to kick me out next week or anything. But when I think about having to be moved out in the future, I can't imagine it. Like the elephant in the room is that I do really rely on my parents and my younger sister. Even just their company. My idea of being an adult is loneliness. And as I'm writing this I'm getting really upset and crying thinking about how everyone is getting older. Like I know it's stupid but I get so upset even having the thought that like my grandma won't be there when I'm 80 years old. Or that my four dogs will eventually be gone too. I want to keep spending my days like I always have with my mom. I value that time with her and my dad so much. Like the overwhelming thought of how I would spend my time without living at home with them is killing me. Not literally, but it always puts me to tears. Lately I can't even go out and 100% enjoy my time anymore. My heart races and I try to distract myself with so many other things just to calm down. Even this past weekend I was visiting with extended family and on the last day at dinner I was trying so hard not to start crying.
My mom suggested that I was going stir-crazy and that maybe I needed to get back to work. But I can't even make a decision regarding that. It makes me feel so nervous thinking about it. Like if I go to work that's less time with my dogs, younger sister, and maybe my parents. I keep thinking my schedule is going to change too much. But then I am overwhelmingly alone during the day. I'm stuck and I don't know how to adjust to being an adult. I'm going to turn 24 in August and that's making me upset too. Even my best friend recently was talking about how she wanted to be married in six years since that's when we're going to be in our thirties. I can't even imagine that. Actually I can't understand people anymore who knew from age 18 that they wanted to live alone. Like all my life I've known my parents. I don't think I could ever get used to not seeing them at home when I wake up or before I go to bed.
When I went to live in dorms for my freshmen year of college I think it really affected me more than I realize. Even now. I remember when I was all unpacked and moved into my dorm room, seeing my mom and sister pull away to start their 6.5 hour drive home, I immediatley was heavily sobbing. My poor roommate didn't know what to do, the only reason I calmed down was because the RA was having a meeting with everyone and we couldn't skip. After that I year I knew I couldn't stay in the dorms, and I just transferred and went back home instead. I remember a couple months in I was really questioning if that was the right choice. I never really told my parents but two nights before we had packed up the car, and they took me out for ice cream as kind of a last treat before I leave type of thing. I hated that experience so much, it made me want to drop out of college right then and there. Like I really was convinced that I was making the worst decision of my life. I wonder if that doesn't play a role in how I feel right now. --- Speaking of my best friend, she's one of the only people I have irl that I can even call a friend. We share a couple mutual friends, but sometimes I think of them more of acquaintances. When I was first feeling this way I reached out to someone we'll call N. When I told N, he gave the same vague answer he always does about getting together. And it's been weeks since, I felt like he didn't want to hear what I had to say. And then it took me so much longer to tell my friend A. I have a third and final friend E, who sometimes gives me icky feelings. So he's not someone I would immediately tell either. And that's it as far as friends go. That's another reason why I get emotional about the future. I just wonder who will be there for me to rely on. I get scared about making friends again, let alone even having a significant other. Which is another reason why I feel scared to even try and move on.
I don't have people besides my sister, mom, dad, and grandmother who would listen to my story. The other day when I tried to post on reddit in an attempt to hear from other people, the post didn't even go through. I don't know if it was because of my phone or the mods on the subreddit. But like no one else knows. I have online friends but we're not close enough for me to be dumping my problems on. Plus some of them are much older than I am, and maybe it would be silly for me to be talking thier ears off for this. Or they will consider me as a fool based on how this all sounds. I just wish it would pass already or something. When I went to the doctor to try and rule out my thyroid acting up (b/c I have hypothryoidism) I should have been extremely happy because nothing was wrong. But deep down I just wanted something to blame these emotions on. I haven't felt like this in years. Not since the incident with Dylan. It sucks.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jul 19, 2022 15:16:10 GMT -6
as a continuation, I just don't know what to do anymore. When I wake up I can't even enjoy starting my day. It always starts with, this won't last long. I don't know why my mind wanders to that. I'm scared that working is going to really disrupt everything. But then I think the longer I don't work, what if my mom and dad gets tired of having me around? My parents already deal with my brother who doesn't seems to want to be around us. So I know my mom is upset about not always seeing him. But what if she gets to a point where she's tired of me. I get upset even thinking of that. I don't like when I think of a future where I'm not living at home. It seems terrible. Like I know no one is happy to go to work. Or the vast majority of people don't wake up and go, "oh boy time to get to my 9-5!". But like idk I can't imagine being happy again, especially after finding work. Like is that all my adult life is about? It's hard to admit, but I don't have friends. What am I going to do in the future.
I asked my mom the other day if she ever felt like she had enough time. And her answer was that she got to raise me and my siblings, it's all she could ask for. It makes me sad in a way though, like that's a heartwarming response. But having kids seems sad somewhat. Like, you bring them into the world, raise them for at least 18 years. And then the norm is for them to be moved out and starting their own families? Idk I just feel sad and upset when I think about that time where I 'should' be moved out. I can't wrap my head around it, it seems lonely. I was lonely in my first year at college in the dorms. I remember I did think that it was a nice idea at first (of course after all the crying I did). But lately even remembering that time makes me emotional all over again. I can't imagine ever going through those emotions like when I first moved into the dorms. No one is telling me I have to move 7+ hours away like my brother did. But I can't come to terms with not living with my parents.
I think since I was young I've always had a problem where my mind wanders to thinking about how long someone will be alive for. I don't sit and think about the possibilities of how that happens. It's just like, one day that's it. And it makes my cry. I used to be able to ignore that, and I can't do it as well lately. That got worse when my brother came home for a visit. I don't know if I just realized how much time has passed. But like everyone is getting older. I don't know how well I will cope seeing my sister go off to college next year. Because then it's just the three of us. Painting is not even enough to distract me anymore.
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I will say that I was thinking about going back to my community college and playing in the community band again. I'll see how I feel when that date gets closer though. That was a part of my schedule that never really changed until covid. I just haven't felt like returning though because it's not the same experience. I have a feeling none of the older people really returned. They were like the bread and butter of that place, I remember it was fun hearing their stories and everything. I'm just not sure how I will feel once I get out of the house like that again. For some reason I get sad when I think about leaving my mom alone in the house. Like the dogs are here but it makes me upset. Especially if this continues into next year (sister at college). See my dad works a shift from 2pm to about 10pm (11pm for overtime) and my mom works 9am to about 6pm. I would be doing this band thing once a week from 7pm to 9pm. I don't know why I worry for her, but it makes me cry all over again. That's why I said at this point, for me, because of how emotional I am. I don't know how I will act while actually being there. It's not embarassing to cry, but it's embarassing when someone thinks about how emotional you are. It's like their attitude changes and they walk on eggshells. I have no clue if something will set me off. Even when I decided to start writing this post. I was in the middle of eating lunch, I had one bagel and then just didn't feel like eating any more. My mood soured instantly on it's own. I feel a little better after crying though. We'll see.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jul 26, 2022 3:21:53 GMT -6
I love talking with my mom the most. She has so many stories, especially of family members I never really got to meet or was too young for them to make an impact. Like it's fun because at one point there was a lot of us. however sometimes it makes me a little sad. Like when my mom reminiscences about my grandpa. He's been gone for 15 years and I do remember him somewhat because I was 9 at the time. But also I was 9 years old. I have memories but it's nothing compared to my mom. Actually when I was visiting my grandmother I came to the sad realization that I don't remember how his voice sounded, or what did his smile look like in person? his genuine smile. Sure there's photos of him making faces, the only thing I remember last was that he had some kind of neutral face on and was sitting in his recliner. my mom always says how much time we spent with him when I was little, but I'm like now I don't have good memories of him. He loved baseball and woodworking, and jazz music. I love art, played softball until I was 17 and I love playing and listening to jazz music. I miss him, I feel bitter sometimes because my grandma who I also love I feel like smears him memory somewhat. She likes to recall what she wants, and it doesn't matter if it's correct or not. That same visit the other day she said that she was the one visiting my mom and dad the most, but my mom says that she never took a trip by herself. It was always with my grandpa because he would drive over. That reminds me again speaking of her, she has to go into a nursing home for a short period to recover from a fall she had. Her one knee has been bad for 15 years (the day my grandpa passed) and it made me think of my other grandpa. When my mom said she had to decide the nursing home for my grandma, I still remembered the place they had my grandpa at and I told her I hope it wasn't ___. She was surprised I had remembered, but I did because I remember my grandpa didn't go in with a terrible sickness. But when he stayed they failed him and he got something that I don't recall the name for. Apparently it was highly contageous so me and my brother got one last time to see my other grandpa. I think that was three years after my other grandpa. It had to have been after 2007 but before 2010. I have a little bit more memories with him. My grandpa and my dad actually had somewhat of the same humor. They have a gift to make you laugh in the most unexpected ways. my favorite memory was when we went to the restuarant chain Chili's and he noticed that they had these cute little cast iron pan holders. He was like they won't miss it and took it off. I don't remember clearly what was being said but he had me, my brother, and sister rolling with laughter. My mom was trying to dispersuade him and my dad was cracking jokes at the same time. I miss him a lot. I think because we were so young we would call him grandpa banana boat to differntiate between both grandpas. That was a name that my mom used actually, I guess for the longest time he didn't know about the nickname until my mom accidentally let it slip. But the thing is it already stuck with him forever haha I don't remember the make of his car but I remember what it looked like. It was a yellow car and he drove it everywhere. Something recently that I was really touched over actually has to do with my aunt mary. I was reminiscencing with my mom about visiting her and remembering the smell of her house. She gave me a pair of binoculars and I remember that I think she liked to see us. Well (she's been gone since 2007) and another family member had to move. She didn't want to hang onto my aunt's photos so she asked us if we would like them. Inside the box was filled to brim with collections of wedding photos, gatherings, and candids. I guess an album she would look through often was in there. I was so shocked to open it and see one with me, my mom, and dad hanging out in the front of the album. I don't know, sometimes I just think a part of my family didn't want to see us. So to see that unconfirmed made me a little happy. That's something I confided in with another person today do. Like it's the little things that go unsaid, I don't think I'm fun, interesting, or cool to talk with. It doesn't help that my few friends in my town don't seem to want to see me. I have so little to base the opinions of myself off. I get so nervous, and I've had such little confidence lately. Like online I think, what if they see me as a snob. or that I'm weird because I get scared to make new connections. This person was like, it's been very fun to hang out with you and you're cool when you really get talking. I was very taken aback honestly. Like I'm fun?? I'm going to cry all over again haha.
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