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Post by Captain Ally on Jul 30, 2022 0:54:34 GMT -6
I try not to be sad all the time and be a doom and gloom person but there are things from my teenage years that still stick with me. It's not hard to tell (because I've already made multiple posts), but Pokemon was a big part of my childhood. So when I was finally allowed to have complete freedom online, I found myself on a website all about the game. I'm not going to name it because I don't need this site connected to it. But basically you would ask and answer questions to get points. That was the public side of the site. There was a giant community attached to it tbh. I didn't even know that existed until I was on a device with a bigger screen. I used to use it on a DSi so you can imagine just how much I didn't see lmao anyways, I made friends there all the way back in 2014 (can you believe it's been 8 years?). I call that one of the most fun eras of my life. I am not kidding when I say that I would sit there in the chat room for hours on end. My brother would even go so far as to make fun out of me for it. well actually that was more like teasing, but still haha. Honestly I wasn't in the best headspace at that time. I think I was just using it as a major source of comfort. Like not even a year in and I was a totally hearbroken and sad person. And that's when I was like I'm leaving, I'm done!. It was a big mistake. And it made me feel worse because I felt so stupid for announcing that. that's why I no longer make big deals out of anything. But that's besides the point. I did that whole thing all over another time. It was another terrible time in my life. I felt like I wasn't needed anywhere. And I was like, no one needs me so I'm going for good. I didn't understand in the moment, but I hurt a lot of people's feelings. And this is part of my original point, the one friend who always seemed to stubborningly stick by my side finally had enough. One day they had sent me another message on a different pkmn website and the sentence they used to close it out with still leaves me reeling sometimes. It read, "wonder how long you won't answer this time...". It opened my eyes when I first read, I had thought what do you mean. But it was so true. I take my time when I don't want to deal with the emotions and responsibility of another persons feelings. I would go out of my way to make excuses about not replying when we both know I was waiting every time for him to reach out to me. I still find myself hoping someone, or maybe him, would want to reach out again. But I burnt that bridge as soon as he sent that line to me in a DM. the last time I even tried to start over, he didn't want it. I understood, but I was so bitter. And now I know it was justified. But it does leave me sad occaisionally. Like how would I be feeling about now if I never acted like that? Would be have always been friends, or would it have fizzled out naturally anyways. I don't know, and I never will. But I do remember those moments a lot from that website because being there was such a big part of my early teenage days.
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Post by Captain Ally on Sept 8, 2022 14:41:35 GMT -6
I have this friend we'll call M. M really pisses me off most days. I've known them for about five years now (when Splatoon 2 released) originally I thought they were fine. A little annoying but I could put up with it. But now I really can't. I wish it wasn't unreasonable to ask them to never show up to my other friends stream again. Like. I can tell what their actions mean and it pisses me off every day. We share the same online hobby right? I get so excited and I'll be like yo this person is such a good player blah blah. And I fucking invite them to check them out too and then he just never fucking leaves. He attaches himself to eveything. And this last time I wish I would have kept my mouth shut but it was just so fun finding someone through splatoon 2.
I was modded and it's like big deal, big whoop, I'm trustworthy and they don't expect anything amazing out of me. This new friend (we'll call MB) just needs another set of eyes while they stream. With the advent of splatoon 3 there's a shit ton more people picking up and playing the series again. Like last night the viewership rose to 150. Imagine if all of those people were actually talking. Anyways, this fucker M starts acting like I do. Like a fucking duckling or a mime. If I see a new viewer who seems like they want to stay and chat I'll just usually give em a little hello and a welcome too. Now here's the thing which is why I said I know exactly what M is doing. They start welcoming people too. What the fuck. When I started splatoon 2 I found a streamer who I'm now friends with, I love checking in and hanging out there with everyone. I've been with them for five years now. About two years in of watching who we will call K, he decided to mod me. The thing is not too long after I was modded, then M was modded too. He takes that in such a different way though. I'm nonchalant about it. Like yeah I'll kick someone's ass out of stream if they're being a jackass/breaking rules. But it doesn't happen often. M however is taking it like he's a fucking military officer who is in charge of an army or something. This one time a viewer asked nicely and maybe in a joking manner about being modded and he just fucking banned them. K got angry and the rest of us chastised him, but M's only explanation was like hurr durr that was in the rules not to ask. It wasn't a hard rule though. The rule is just that if you ask about it, you're not getting modded, like obviously you're not suited for it. Anyways to move on. About half a year ago M was being a shit head because he fucking sucks at most games. Overall it was unsportsmanlike behavior and a lot of other regulars were getting fed up. I joined in too because his behavior was embarassing. K finally had enough (I think he was waaaay to lenient with M) and he took away his mod status and banned him. M acted like a giant fucking baby being like you're nothing without me, you'll regret this yadda yadda yadda. For some reason a month later K let M come back to the stream but for the right reasons never modded him again. Even though that fucker keeps asking. Well he still asks the same but is like, teehee I didn't mean it. Kinda being like it's just a prank bro. I'm absolutely sitting on the edge of my seat every time just waiting for the day we can permanently ban him. He's not integral for anything. Me and K win more games when he's not around. After the first time wouldn't you think that he would've understood that himself? no he doesn't. Every fucking time he uses "tho" in his sentences, which is every other message. I wish I could strangle him through a screen. It gets under my skin so badly.
I know him being all cutesy and welcoming to the new viewers in MB's stream is just a way to copy what I'm doing. I even think that he's probably imagining he'll get that badge too. And the day that my new friend asks, I'm going to spill everything. He is not trustworthy and actually I wish I could delete his messages that are obviously looking for pity points.
Omg and honestly I was ready to block him on all platforms again after last night. I didn't appreciate that he was whining and then copying everything I did. If it happens on friday I'm blocking him. And I will tell K exactly why. It will be embarassing for M more than for anyone else even tuning in. I keep saying this but he sucks as a person and as a player. I literally was jumping for joy when he said he was retiring from splatoon for a while. But then guess what? this dumbass plays again. I can't fucking be free from him anywhere. I'm probably pretty close to blowing up on him pretty soon. Like I'm never going to twin with him ever again for salmon run
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 5, 2022 2:01:34 GMT -6
remember my last post? I did blow up on him and he pulled out crocodile tears. That was two days afterwards. And then on the 25th of September he makes this "apology" video. He doesn't understand what he's even doing. Everybody is like haha oh she's just pissed and being like, oh M you're having GF problems hahaha. First up that sentence makes me want to throw up. I never want to hear it again. And more importantly I feel like any other sane person would also completley stop talking to him? like hello. I'm in the right. Every time I have to interact with him in a public manner my whole body physcially repulses. He just throws money at all of his problems. KNOCK IT OFF. In his stupid video at the end he goes, okay for the two of you (K and me) I have $50 eshop cards. Which in HK money that's like almost 400 dollars. I'm not going to shoulder that burden. Because I'm sure in the future he's going to be like, remember how I bought you that gift card you don't have any right to ignore me. This is honestly turning into some pretty concerning behavior. Also in M's video he pulled out some pretty incredible fake tears. He "cries" and without skipping a beat goes into his next point like nothing happened.
I just hate that he's saying sorry without realizing what he did. Right like, it's empty. I feel nothing when he goes, I said sorry alright! yeah well how about we think some more. Like joining me in a game I enjoy without my consent pisses me off a lot. And he doesn't understand why. I've told him one, that's incredibly rude. Especially for squads! I want to play with good players because I have goals. He fucking sucks. I'm close to telling him that too. I was trying to be nice and say that our playstyles are like oil and water. And he doesn't get it. I don't want to play with him. What's so hard to understand about that?? We're not even best friends. Let alone friends at all. True friends fight and bicker but they love doing friend things. I feel disgusted most of the time even having to say hello to be courteous. And if I'm being honest the main reason I finally got angry enough at him was because he's acting like a stalker. I don't see him talking and I'll be like yay he's not here and then he pops up out of nowhere and is like teehee hello. fucker what? I hate him. I really do. Like he just gifted me a sub and I seriously considered blocking him.
idk anyways. let's see what happens in a week.
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 7, 2022 2:59:00 GMT -6
oh okay so basically tonight when K messaged me he was like, I've been telling him to stop- you have too?? and now we're both like wtf. I thought K was being lame this entire time. Like great friend, it's fun hanging with everyone. But I was getting peeved at all angles because I just didn't ask or understand. K said he doesn't understand why it seems as if M is infatuated with me. And I'm like you think that? I thought for the longest time he hated my guts. Here I am trying to be nice and he was like no it's okay to be mean. You need to be clear with him. I guess I wasn't the only person noticing his holier than thou attitude because K said he was being egotistical. I wasn't calling it harrassment but K said it totally is. I kind of feel better. Like he has my back ig?
Most importantly I'm not being petty for rejecting the eshop card. π It sounds to me like M is on a one way ticket to getting banned. If it happens good fucking riddance you nuisance.
Bro honestly I think he was stressing me out for a few months at least. I feel a little lighter now. It's not an understatement but he fucking sucks at video games. I think he never gets enough sleep and he's being creepy. I thought MB was going to ban his ass the other day actually because M picked all timezones in the self role section. You're not supposed to do that. Who the fuck can be awake for 24 hours? I did that and I thought I was on my way to dying. like no joke I was so afraid of missing my final exams freshmen year of college that I opted to just not sleep. it fucked up my sleep schedule for the next week afterwards. that probably exacerbated my hypothryoidism tbh. Well, kickstarted it i guess. Because at that point I wasn't diagnosed yet but I remember feeling like shit. anyways insert dancing crab meme, evil be gone M.
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 16, 2022 18:41:46 GMT -6
Every time since May that I've felt like hey maybe I'm getting over this thing. I see some update from someone or my mom goes, remember that kid you went to high school with? It like, leaves me upset all over again. I never really thought I was the emotional type of person. But it's like, yeah clearly I am. Like that kid my mom told me about. Throughout middle school and high school we were in band together he was one of my brothers friend's. I felt like I knew him to a certain degree. He's all of a sudden across the country, doing his grad school and has got like career lined up for himself. I still can't even imagine myself doing that. I struggle with lunch ideas. And then I opened Facebook and another girl who is my same age and I went through school with, she's married, traveled across 10 states, and just bought her house. how even.
Like I just spent almost an entire month with my grandma. She went home yesterday. And now it's like the house has this different feel to it. She didn't appreciate our time (me + my parents + and sister), so it's like I'm not mourning the loss of her not being in the house. But it's more quiet and a little empty. I just felt like I don't know what I'm going to do with my time during the week again. God I just wish I knew what the fuck was going on. Why do updates from other people leave me reeling? I know I can do whatever I want since I'm an adult. But I can't even imagine not being home. Let alone even deciding where I'm going to work. what the fuck.
Once again, I'm out shopping with my mom and it's like a thought goes through my mind, we're both getting older. I miss being a dumb kid. Not noticing how things are changing around me. Why am I crying? I'm 24 but I'm confused how other people are doing the things they do. Sometimes people are like, stop getting so nervous. And it's so hard. Everything is just getting harder. I don't want to be alone ever. But I don't even know how to make new connections irl anymore. I look at my town and I'm like, this is not what I grew up with. Since my grandma moved out, I realize my mom's relationship with her, doing a lot of things together is how ours is. That shouldn't upset me, but I'm like I hate even the thought of being older. SO like how we do things together is evolving, I'm dreading something for some reason. I don't know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.
I had all of these ideas when I was younger about how being an adult would finally be. Like I would have a great wardrobe, my bedroom would be wonderful looking. Maybe I would popular in some way. At the back of my mind I never stopped to think how my adult life would fit in with my family. Maybe that's tripping me up? I guess I just wonder why for most people it's okay that their kids are just so far doing their own things. I wonder, why do you want your family like that? That boy I was talking about. His parents are the only people left in this state. All four siblings are in different areas of the country. That seems crazy to me.
I never expect something life threatening to happen to my family. But lately I'm like, could I do this without __? Like cooking as my mom does, having fun with my sister, doing outside work and being strong like my dad. I'm just upset. They're getting older. That transition is fucking me up in so many ways. I feel so bad that most of the time, I avoid setting aside part of my day to paint. I've made excuses since April. There's a window sitting outside the front door of my house that stares back at me every single time I walk out. It's like a constant reminder. I can't bring myself to even get started on finishing my projects. I don't know how to act anymore. I'm still trying to remember how I felt before May of this year. How did I do anything before? I don't know what I want or what I want to do. I don't know anything. Every time I go online to try and releive pressure, I'm just reminded of so many issues politically. I try to escape those posts but they keep following me around almost. Like how climate change could kill a few billion people globally in 20-30 years and that no one else is really acknowledging it. It's like, I want the fun good times back. How can I trade this in? it sucks.
If I was to work, what would I even be doing? I get tripped up over this so much. I'm sure being unemployed doesn't help my case. But the thing is I was almost too busy when I did have my original job. I wish I knew what I wanted.
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Post by Captain Ally on Oct 31, 2022 1:20:48 GMT -6
new update with the drama π M is getting flamed by people in the splatoon community. well actually it's a sub community but for obvious reasons I'm not going to say exactly what. Anyways, the person who was in the middle of all of this called him out publically once more because M of course needed to act like a jackass. Originally she was being harassed by a different person and his cronies. They'd pretend they didn't actually know what was happening but all at the same time were gladly participating. Well so the reason M is at the center is that he continues to play with this other K person. And R has explained why that is toxic and is wrong. He keeps doubling down, like it's incredible. He kept saying oh I just play with people I'm not involved in that, but R has receipts of every time he said hello and then as they were talking their bullshit he said nothing at all. But clearly he's heard everything. The thing is, M can't accept that he's getting called out too. He even went to her DMs to try and talk to her and she's like, no you dumbass I want nothing to do with you, stop being okay with their behavior. Like he's a bad person because he did nothing to shut them down, and even pretended that he didn't know the whole story. Me and K got involved however because M decided that obviously we would be on his side right? at first I was like, bro stop trying to clear your name it's not worth it. But he kept harping that he didn't do anything wrong (this is why I know the whole story). I went to the streams in question (R and K) and seen exactly what she was talking about. Even when she got angry in her own safe place, her stream. M was clearly in the middle of all of this. And like he has done to me, he didn't let the issue rest. He never lets shit go even when he should.
Now about a week ago (10/23), this drama was reopened. M was called out yet again because R knows that he changed names in order to hide from her. I thought that was strange but never brought it up. Anyways, he was displaying incredibly insulting behavior. He continuously subbed to R's channel and went as far as to say that it was very rude the way she was acting... because of the money he threw at her? That's uncalled for. Which is why I no longer wish to interact with him. He takes this a step further and invites himself to her private space (discord server) which is not public anymore. To further try and curry favor which he didn't have from the beginning. And I think that was probably the last straw. I don't think I could ever go public. But if I'm dragged into all of this by association I'm not holding back. She's gotten more shit from him than I have, but he's also been an ass to me as well. I'm no longer his friend, I would go so far as to say I feel disgusted whenever I have to see him. The reason I'm like, if I get dragged in.. is because a few prominent people recognized his behavior. I don't want anything burned from my side. He's been such an unfair person for three years now. In the last Twitch events I was the person being gifted subs by him the most. I just hope they don't think anything of me. I mean it's like on one hand, why would i care for people who are merely acquaintances. But it's like, I don't want to lose anything I haven't gained yet. I look up to one person in particular because she's so good at the game. I always wonder how she knows so much I actually have matched with them in random lobbies and it was so interesting.
anyways. just he needs to stop being obsessed. take a fucking break. I get a jumpscare when he pops up tbh. honestly I laugh now though because he had to change his salmon name again and it's so fucking lame. it's like mao chan or something. I don't think it's his main account unfortunately. time will tell.
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Post by Captain Ally on Nov 3, 2022 22:51:38 GMT -6
I wonder what counts as a view on this website? like obviously looking at a page is a view. But every time does it count mine too? is it once per day? I wonder.
anyways, I wish M would just leave me the fuck alone. I lost my rank yesterday because they joined me. They're an insect, forget even saying M, I'm just going to say insect from now on. I was playing with two people who were pretty good, and they were absolutely hilarious. Like, this one person had a story for every time we lost. And their banter together was so entertaining. But the thing is insect joined when I stepped away, so I couldn't even be like, can we fucking find someone else? anyone. The annoying thing is, they have the max rank badges in splatoon 3. Like usually I don't fucking care, but they join and use them in the splashtag every time. I know they didn't even get them in a legit way either. To me, demoting in order to get 999 means you didn't deserve it. I don't care that the game gave it to you. You didn't get it the normal way. Once again though, all they care about is the goal, the prestige that comes with one thing in particular. It infuriates me, because then their attitude every time is, oh I don't care about my rank because I already did this. They just never play good.
I hate insects attitude in general. He's always blaming something else, he never properly takes blame. he'll go, I suck I'm so sorry guys. Not even, oh I recognize that I need to do this in order for this to not happen next time. It pisses me off. And then he shared this infographic with everyone else yesterday (K's stream). His attitude screamed, here, you guys are such idiots, so I'm doing this favor and sharing it to you (fucking asshole). And here's something that happened later in the night, he goes, I'm with someone right now have fun coaching. And K deleted the comment right away. what a fucking asshole. He ran away from our group because he couldn't carry anyone. I wish he would just never join us to begin with. Once again, we were winning in the game after he left. Now at that point wouldn't you have connected the dots and thought, oh I'm the one who is not helpful. The next time he does or says anything, I'm going to stick by my words and get the fuck rid of him. He's going on every block list, every account his name will be nuked from. I'm a millimeter from snapping. Like I'm pissed that I'm even remembering all of the shit that he's done.
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Post by Captain Ally on Nov 6, 2022 18:24:57 GMT -6
In a lighter tone, because I've been so negative the last page and a half.. I reconnected with an old friend. π₯Ί it was so fun earlier, literally it felt like not a day passed since the last time we talked. It was such a breath of fresh air, because for one they're such a respectful person. Which judging by the last few posts of mine, I haven't talked with someone like that in a while. actually we have a lot of history. I didn't consider what we had a true relationship, but when we first met online, pretty quickly he said to me, hey! want to be in a relationship? I agreed because it seemed fun and at that time in my life I really needed that. just the comfort of another person who really cares and wants to listen. Eventually that relationship of ours dissolved into just a friendship because one day he was said, I think I like someone else, someone I see every day. And I was like, that's okay let's still be friends though alright? and we have been. so anyways, we just had the most normal conversation. in fact it was absolutely hilarious at times. like I said, it felt like it hadn't been two years since we last said a word to each other. I think those types of friendships are the most important.
I'll just share a tiny bit: we were joking about pokemon being a shit franchise. and he was like the fan game pokemon uranium has better writing, it's got that natural cringe feeling to it, but it's better. when he said, "yeah nature's cringe, healthy". I made a quick edit of a nature valley bar box and replaced crunchy with cringe. he had me rolling because he was like, the really poorly done crayon style font really sells it. it had me in tears with laughter. that's one of those you had to be there moments. I missed this honestly.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 3, 2023 0:50:37 GMT -6
kinda got lead on just a little bit, and it was entirely my fault π€ͺ I don't respond to my one friend quickly enough through DMs however that doesn't seem to bother him and every time he says things that are very sweet. Like saying that whenever I send a message he will always listen, and that (in regards to the new twitter update) he will look at my art for me.
He just throws so many compliments and to myself I always react like, you!!! omgg π₯° ... however then I remember that we don't live on the same continent and anything further than a friendship cannot happen π Like, I'm attached to my family. and I know stepping foot in another country to live there while I'm a US citizen is very fool worthy. two taxes??? and fees as well. man. --- The part where I realized that it was one sided however was that the other day when we were conversing a little he was like, okay so I don't know what to talk about anymore. and then I was like well shit okay I need to get the fuck to bed then, good night. and that was that. I was almost fooled into thinking that someone really wanted to hear from me and that I was interesting. My understanding of that message is that he was bored of leading the conversation. Because I try to seperate myself from my childhood ( I wouldn't call trauma but I don't know another word) experience of thinking that I am definitely bothering the other person by asking them to hang out with me or to talk. But it's hard, and I can go months without catching up with someone. It takes the other person to want to keep the conversation flowing. I am not the first choice when you think, I want someone to talk to. And as a result I continue to be lonely. I don't actually know how to change myself in that department if I'm being completely honest. It's a problem, and now me and whoever else reads these lame posts knows that too. Every new friend I thing, this is the difference I will be better now. and nope :) it never is. Actually I think the reason my two friends from kindergarten don't reach out that much anymore is because I've always been the same person. In fact I very much spiraled out of control for most of this past year, so they really didn't want anything to do with me. Like I said in past posts, our friendship was deteriorating not too long after we graduated anyways. And me being me did not help. That's something I realized the other day that I mourn. it's that time with them that I lost. we don't do group activities anymore. It used to be "Golden trio against the world" and now it's not that. anyways, I would like to give love to other people however I have too many faults of my own, and thus I don't receive it either.
shout to my parents for their support. they're the real ones
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 4, 2023 1:50:47 GMT -6
I made my only goal for 2023 was for me to be okay with sharing more about my life. The last three years especially have not been kind so I'm starting with using my instagram (as I'm already on Twitter). For Twitter where I have three accounts. I decided that one can stay as my quick complaining sort of outlet, but I really want to try and aim to make tweets about what I'm reading and being excited overall and post everything to one account. The art account will stay as well since I know that having a "profeshional" profile with all of my work will only do me favors and it is a good idea. The original reason that I stopped using Instagram was that I (like everyone else for a short period) stopped going out. In fact it was longer for me since like I said, I got furloughed and stayed home. I'm trying to take the first step again but it's a little difficult. Anyways, I stopped posting because I had "nothing" to share. I did in fact, but at the time I didn't think it was important enough. My friend of eight years told me multiple times in the past and even maybe five months ago that I should make more updates. They don't even have to be important. I didn't actually realize the anxiety at first over your internet friend just not posting a goddamn thing. And me especially, I can go quick a long time without reaching out to another person. Well I mean someone who's not a family member. So yeah, I'm changing my attitude on a few things.
Actually this reminds me how recently, K, my much older friend who streams; made a comment that he feels bad knowing a few of us center our schedule around his streaming days. M (that bastard) mentioned how he hates that he can't play when we all do together and that he just wants to quit his job already (I'm still angry, so I'm like good!! fuck you). And K was like, well if you do that then what are you gonna do if the day I retire comes up, and you have this huge part of your life centered around me? I wasn't trying to be sad so I didn't really react to that question. But it made me upset somewhat after the stream. Like, I just don't know? It's been four years, actually closer to five because May 2018 was when I first showed up there. I've just always watched his streams, in fact as many as I could. K is actually twenty years older than I am. In a way I feel like to a good portion of us he's like our funny uncle. Most of his other mods are around his age if not older but S, T, and me are in our mid 20s at least. And his other longtime viewers are around college age or their 20s as well. He's always streamed in the evening hours and I make it a point to show up there. Hell I have almost 1k hours watched? no maybe more tbh. Him being older, and maybe one day being tired of it all has never crossed my mind until he said it himself. The truth is I always felt like that was one of my places, just like the DB once was. In my mind he always streams splatoon, saying funny things, and I show up to play with him for a few hours. He laughs and has a drink and people I don't know well but enjoy the company of pop in to say hello throughout the stream. Like, he will always stream. But that's not actually true. Hell my parents who are in their 50s are already like, this is exhausting me (with their jobs). So with him, now I wonder how long we can squeeze this time out together. And also, he's no spring chicken. As much as I can be like, one day you will have time to travel!! we have to meet up teehee. He's going to get tired too :( he used to go to gaming conventions but he let on that sometimes it's so much work to coordinate with the people he meets. K lives in Canada so I can understand the distance he has to travel. idk I hope the good times last forever.
That's what I thought with my friends actually. I was so thankful that they even thought of including me. And even I was watching this video where it was after bandcamp and my friend was buring his shirt- it was so funny, it smelled terrible, and I think it was way too hot out but he had this bonfire going. You could hear my laughter and everybody was enjoying their time together. There used to be twelve of us that would always get together. Three people had their liscenses so everybody's cars were always packed if we all met up. Usually the core group was N driving, A, me, E, and Ani (male lol). Sometimes S, R, K, or B would join. But yeah that was five people together at all times at least. We made so many memories from Summer 2015 (going into my Junior year) to Summer 2016. It felt like I had known them for my whole high school career. I went from long hair to short hair if that means anything. Anyways, since I accidentally went off into a tangent, I bring up that I thought we'd be together forever because I have so many posts on my instagram account of times where we spent entire days together. Like, I picked a photo from May 16, 2016 and I know where I was. I was on the Senior Trip, sitting next to A, and we were being photography bitches and taking photos of the sunset while we were on our way to Six Flags. It was about 5:30pm to 6pm, and I know that it was a little cold. Another give away is that I captioned the snapchat photo "my name's Blurryface". our entire fucking group got obsessed with that album from twenty one pilots haha. that's what I mean. I just thought, all of my experiences and memories with them are done. What's left for my instagram? and yeah, it was foolish now that I think about to be stuck in that sort of mindset. I just need to post new moments. I need to be at point where I love what I'm doing and it doesn't matter that I have friends or not to share it with. Actually the last time I really hung out with A was October 10th. And that's because I posted my day on Instagram from it. We were going to hang out in the summer but I got sick from a Covid shot, and then nothing. That was it for us. She came by my house a few times and we talked in the driveway. But after she got her boyfriend, which I have no resentment for...I'm really happy for her, we just never hung out again. In fact when she had a party I felt so awkward and I was upset so I asked my mom to come get me. I guess I feel so stupid for letting that happen. Not having to leave the party, but that such a deep awkward feeling came out and I was nervous to be there any longer. idk at least we didn't end on a screaming match or something. Or god forbid I keep sitting here being angry. I'm just sad because I wished when we last seen each other that it wasn't...so bad and distant feeling. I keep talking about her though because god damn I've known her since kindergarten. I think I have every right to reminiscence.
there have been times when I was angry but it's been at least four years. That feels like yesterday, but it was four fucking years. I don't want to spend the energy being bitter.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 4, 2023 4:09:26 GMT -6
we are all allowed to scream now π BECAUSE MY ALL TOO SWEET FRIEND CAUGHT FEELINGS TOO (more so than I did) I felt like a small pull and that was it. actually I thought it was just me, and I wasn't even going to act on my feelings. I'm thinking I probably just responded well to his texts
the sad part all of this all tbh is that he acknowledged how it would only be for "a little while". Because he said that he'd need to jump into the deep end of finding people on his side of the world. and that's the reality of not even living on the same continent I'm not sure how to feel about this yet actually. --- I wonder if maybe I'm being used as a stepping off point. it doesn't bother me but that's what I wonder. Because the last time he asked me about being a relationship, not too long after that he said he had found someone he liked and that was that. He's one of my longest friendships actually. It makes me think that I shouldn't feel bad or nervous I guess? It was actually my choice if I wanted to reject him and he said he'd love me as a friend regardless. however he was so honest and straight forward that I agreed.
it feels awkward if I'm being honest. because now this is a day later and I'm like hmmmm. like, that's fucking australia bro. There's no way my ass is really visiting there and I don't think he'd come here. Maybe I just want a good friendship. I'll have to think about this, because I feel like he'll be really sad if I was to say this right now. omg maybe I should have rejected him afterall? I actually cringe super fucking hard when someone over text does the like, *hugs you* or anything along those lines. and he took it a step further because we were on the phone and he said it in a verbal way. It gave me an immediate ick actually. like, why... I'm probably not cut out for this. that's not even my love language, I appreciate spending time together soo much more. I would rather have a physical hug π
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 9, 2023 4:59:22 GMT -6
14 hour time difference... I'm not cut out for this. Like, I'm such a degenerate that I don't even wake up at a proper time anymore. It's about 4:30am right now and I might be awake until 5:30 or 6am at the latest. I always sleep between 7 and 8 hours so it'll be about 1pm before I'm really "awake". I appreciate it I guess that he acts like a normal fucking person, because lord knows that I've been surounded by creeps and assholes for a while. But, clearly, being the shitty person. This won't do.
Now I'm kinda like, what does he really like about me though..? I get nervous, and I don't even have a desire to share any recent photos. I'm bad at starting conversations or really continuing them. what is there to romantically like about me. I find a lot of things funny, and with the right person I do have a sort of louder personality. But, not with everyone. He even said himself that he just wants to try some things. which I'm like, maybe I was just the most available... I think I'm just better at imagining romance tbh I feel like from the Summer, I'm over the worst part of whatever the fuck is up. Like my stupid little funk thing, but I still get this sad feeling. not to the point of crying, but it made me not even have the energy to respond to people the other day. so, why me? Clearly I do better alone.
actually I realized that I was as lame as M. I'm just enjoying my current schedule a lot, and I even have it kind of centered around when K streams. like, I get designated parts of the day where it's my time, first it's me and the dogs. and after my mom goes to bed, it's quiet for me after 11pm until I wake up again. I am social with people, albeit not always face to face, but I talk with friends. so it's just, fitting in another person is where I have an issue? I mean the time difference is actually fucking me up the most. Right now it's his evening, whereas I should be asleep. And actually I shouldn't even be awake after 4am, it's not good for anyone's health but especially not good for me. Like, the other day I talked to him until 7am. What an idiot I am.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 17, 2023 20:13:45 GMT -6
I feel guilty for thinking what's the point of all this. But he did clearly say what he wanted. And as a result it makes me think that I don't have to be serious, it's not okay however that's what I feel like? An LDR can work, and it has for tons of people. but a lot of relationships that I've read about which were long distance.. were in their own country. I mean he literally said he eventually wants to go find someone, so what is the point of asking me or telling me about his romantic feelings. I did this once before and it feels so lonely, and sad. Like, there's no goals to meet up? talking with someone is great. I feel better having friends to share hobbies with. But I'm a quality time type of person, which requires the prescense of the other person. voice chat is fine and all but that literally doesn't make up for them not being like a 10 minute drive away. To be exact, they're 1 day and 6 hours away. lmao. Seriously though. I kinda want to end this already because I just do so many things are single person coded. right like, I love watching streams and hanging out with my friends. We all go to K's streams and it's about the same six people every time. that seems like a friend group to me. Anyways, the other day he wanted to call but then I was like no, there's a splatoon event. I had this planned out before he asked me. Which maybe that was mean to be like no, squid game is more important π€ but that's been a part of my daily schedule for the past five years almost six (May) We couldn't be any more different actually. Because even my damn childhood has no similiarities with him, he didn't even have internet. I know there are long distance relationships activities but those are so cringe worthy. Like, cook the same meal at the same time while being on the phone. that's just sad. he meal preps too And the biggest issue of them all? you have to wait for them to be able to talk to you, or at least that's my issue right now. I hate the time difference. he should be asleep at 4am when that's 2pm in my time. but he tries to stay up. And earlier I think he fell asleep actually. when it's my evening time he's working. and then when I should be asleep is his evening time. it's all wack.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 28, 2023 2:55:48 GMT -6
I'm having trouble again. It's May all over again, I'm just crying again. Whenever I take my headphones out, it feels quiet. And I have to..think. I feel happy watching youtube videos or twitch/youtube streams. But once the headphones are gone I get this sick feeling. Like I feel.."and okay there it is".
I should stop seeing what other people say about living with their parents. But a lot of comments always circle back to, "I will eventually live on my own" or "this won't always happen". In my case it's Saturday shopping with my mom or sitting with her while she cooks dinner. And she tells me about her day. Or how my dad is awkward and silent, and he just sits in the family room watching tv. But I can sit there and do my gaming or read on my phone, and it's fine. I don't remember what I did during my day a few years ago. what did I enjoy? how did I spend my time? I'm confused navigating life right now. I know part of my time was actually spent avoiding them before May 2022. I didn't dislike my parents, but I felt like whatever I did on my laptop was more interesting. It's like, alone time is never wrong. But now I feel that the me before was too alone. Part of me hates that I spent time in my room away from them so much actually. Like, why did I do that. The funny thing is, what I feel the most upset at... My parents have not said one peep about me having to be gone and out of the house. But every time, I cry and get upset at this imaginary conversation where they asked why I live at home still. As far as I know, they don't even want that. I wish I could just never think about that again? It's like a hyperfixation, but it's so corporate and cold feeling. There's no fun unlike my minecraft week every year.
Looking introspectively, I have had this bad habit lately where I put a time limit on random issues. My dogs lives. My parents. ME. And even I wonder, will my younger sister still want to be at home with us? I have a feeling actually, based on my experience with these events in my family over the years. That my brother never coming back home after leaving for college at 18..deeply upset me. I had no thoughts about it first, I just remember thinking how strange it was. I had feelings like he was a stranger, but I never was hung up on it. That is until May. All of a sudden, he's engaged, has to worry about putting a roof over four living beings. His job isn't paying what he wants. It was so in my face. When the pandemic started I was a teenager who didn't know anything, much like a child. And I still think that I can be like a child now at the age of 24. I graduated college in May 2020 so there was never a progression so-to-speak. The entire time in college, I never needed a car. The first year I lived on campus, and when I made the good decision to return home, I was able to take public transportation to and from classes. I had a job, albeit maybe a little early, but I had one. I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do like the people who were in their 30s and 40s. It seemed like a place that people who needed extra income, or needed something to do after retirement went to work at. Not necessarily starting your career at. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should get a job. But it can't be any old place like that job was. It was draining and exhausting. As much as you think a concession stand worker isn't doing hard labor, or anything that could equate to hard work. There was an hour to prep beforehand each night for a crowd that would sometimes be up to 15k or more. It's a lot of social interaction. And as much as I could say I was prepared because I started at 16. There's no preparing for that, it's never normal. We live in a world of almost 8 billion people, but in your circle, your daily life- that number never reaches the amount that I was seeing. At a 8 hour job, you get a small steady stream of faces, and it's regular. That job was literal whiplash.
I see my parents, and I just don't want to work in the way that they do. My mom the past two weeks has been waking up around 5:30am, dropping my sister off for high school and maybe returning home to enjoy coffee and breakfast. Once she gets to work, which could be between 7:30am to 9am. She doesn't come home until 7:30pm or later. That's quite a long time. As much as she says her office job is so unbothersome. I just question how she enjoys everything. I have more hobbies than she does obviously. And I do get tripped up on how to navigate my adult life. How do I work a job in such a way that it allows me to have the quality time with my mom/dad and to still create a space for me to enjoy my hobbies and hanging out with my friends that stream.
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Post by Captain Ally on Jan 30, 2023 1:05:48 GMT -6
It's not that I have FOMO. But I always think, well this amount of time is left. Years ago I never thought about that. I'm not kidding. I was happy go lucky all the time, whatever comes my way happens sort of thing. My attitude was so different. I hate hearing advice that's just like, you will cope π just get over it. That seems too hard. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. Am I making enough memories, do they worry too? I love them so so much. A lot of people love their mom. She's the one person in this whole world who knows me best.
I just keep thinking that one day it will be ripped away from me. Why can't you just flip a switch? Once again, I was enjoying my hobbies in my room and I got this guilty feeling. So then I went downstairs to eat dinner with my mom. And it never really went away. And just now I'm trying to journal and I'm crying as I type this. I love my hobbies but I have this gut feeling that it's wrong. I actually haven't enjoyed painting for a long time. I'm grateful that my aunt and uncle wanted me to paint windows for them, it made me happy. But since I finished that window in April. I haven't wanted to go back to it. When I try to continue my art on my laptop I also just reach a point where I'm tapped out.
They're not sick. They're fine. Yet here I am almost loudly sobbing. I don't think my mom actually knows how to help me. I don't know how to help me. I take vitamins, I spend time with dogs. I spend my evenings with her too. What's not enough? Without them in my life I don't think I can do much. I don't know what do during the day. When I take my headphones out the world seems quiet. Maybe I'm just thinking too much
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Post by Captain Ally on Feb 12, 2023 1:53:52 GMT -6
I don't feel good again. Like, of course you're not supposed to know about the future. That's why we all have dreams about our lives. But I get fucked up all the time lately. I feel like I have trouble coming to terms with the fact that I'm not a teenager, I need to worry about myself for the rest of my life. Nobody can do that for me. My parents are well meaning. I love them, and they enjoy spending time with me. But I keep feeling like one day there's a time where it's fucking it. I want an off switch for that thought because even if I have a good day, or I already planned to spend some time for myself by enjoying my hobbies. It's like that was wrong of me to do. I get a guilty feeling, even if no one points out that I played games all day. It's like it was wrong to spend time with other people at all. I'm 24 years old and I feel like anything beyond that is over for me.
I feel like throwing up. I don't want to cry but I'm crying. my mom asks me a lot lately, because she's trying to help, if I've looked at jobs or thought about what I want to do. But it's such an open question that I never have answers for her. Like sure being employed might make me feel better. But I get that guilty feeling. There are small moments of clarity that I have but they're not long enough that I feel strong to make a decision. I'm weak, really weak. I am alone 75% of the day, but it's the rest that I don't want to be alone 100% for. My brother already has refused to come around us anymore, I don't want to be another of their children that never spends time with them. My sister holes herself up in her room. It's not my job to be with them, but I do feel like I don't want to miss out on any time with them at all. I spent enough of my teenage years doing that. I guess it's been so long since I was in school, and I was with friends. That I don't know that part of my life anymore. As a student it is normal to not see your family till 3pm or even 5pm. And if you're with friends you might be out from afternoon until night. So there were some days that I wasn't with them at all. My mom says she's okay being at home, and being with her dogs. It's enjoyable. I guess I interpret it my own way, and I don't want her to be lonely at all. Maybe I'm projecting myself unto her. I get scared of being my own person I guess. I should ask her sometime how I look to them (my parents) what are their feelings? - I have a story from this morning actually. Earlier today my mom found out that my brother bought a home in Minnesota. The place that my parents were trying to get him to come home from. When me and my sister originally found out, we agreed that we weren't going to tell her at that moment. She was upset at her coworkers, and she had a shit week because of her job (tax preparer/ office work). So we kept silent, and we forgot. (my dad had seen this at the same time ) That was over a month ago now. So fastforward to today, and I'm not sure how she found out, but she did. And I had never heard her this upset before in my life. She has had moments when I was younger, and there were probably a lot that were kept behind closed doors so-to-speak. But now as a person that understands being that upset. It was heartwrenching. Maybe that's why I feel bad now. It just catches up to me at 1am. She struggled with my brother when he was born. Really struggled. And I definitely don't understand what it's like to see your child suffer when they can't even tell you what's wrong. She went through therapy to get through that. So when she's crying and telling me about how much this hurts to see us keep it from her. It's hits hard. I had good intentions but maybe now it was very wrong. He's been gone out of our lives for 8 years. And I did get used to him being a stranger, but now I miss him being around. Part of my issues starting in May were realizing that he's always going back home somewhere else. It's not near us, his home is 7+ hours away. When one of them gets injured we don't hear news until much later than it should be. If they lived closer, we'd be able to support them. Part of the reason my parents wanted them to think about moving closer is that they were getting engaged at the time. Eventually that does lead to raising a family, and my brother has said he does want kids. I think my mom just thinks it's a slap in the face. His fiance has very very terrible people skills, and it came off to my mom that she didn't want my brother to be spending time with his family at all. Maybe that is how he feels, although he's never said it. The reason my mom found out about them buying a house is because my brother went no contact. I and my dad still have him added on facebook however. So we get no verbal communication. Or at least haven't since the Summer. I think he's a bad sort of person actually, but I can still miss him. Communication goes both ways, and he didn't make it a point to respond to us. My mom would beg him just once to make a call first and he never did unless they needed help with money. Or like I said, they got injured. The point that made this a no contact situation is that him and his finace pissed my parents off. They were being stressed about my mom offering to help them look into places to rent, or she'd look out for any job postings in their fields (envriomental biologist/ carpenter). The second to last phone was my brother asking about the amount of money my dad was getting in his settlement for his work related injury and if they could get any. That was very fucking rude. And the last phone call ever was them telling my parents that they had no intention to move to this state, and they had no jobs lined up. My mom is still convinced that her looking at two possible apartments and telling them that it was too expensive was a trap. I don't know what's right or wrong. I do however know that their attitudes were wrong. This situation just makes me feel shitty. I don't want to be like them. And I never will. Maybe that's why I get a bad gut feeling if I'm not chilling with my parents downstairs at all hours.
I still don't know what I want out of a job, where do I want to work? I need to worry about insurance in a year in a half actually. That's a real sorry realization actually. I don't think I'll get insurance from a job bc that's not a thing much unless you're doing back breaking shit. So it's like, I need something that is going to pay over $15 an hour. In the twenty range is ideal tbh. I could do anything I want to, and that fucks me up!!
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Post by Captain Ally on Feb 17, 2023 15:02:23 GMT -6
what's with male friends and thinking that there is romantic tension between you and them? One is actually not a friend so much as, person-I-met-through-this-game. They're actually pretty cringe. Like being a furry is whatever, you do you, but I can actually see why they said their previous friends had turned on them. I don't automatically assume red flag btw, but I'm wary I guess. My issue is that I've know them for all of a few weeks. And I'm like, you're fun company (if I can say that...bc they're online only friend). But then they were like, π₯Ί wats ur age. And I knew, I knew where this was going right away. Now I have a real excuse to block any attempts. But it's like really? Y'all never heard of being friends with girls??? That's the difference between most men I've noticed. As one of the girls, I look at new connections as friend first. Anything romantic is just not there. --- Now my other situation. I made a new friend this last December 21' - well somewhat of a friend. I might have complained already, but my issue with them was that they only wanted to play games with me because I liked superstars for a while. So it kind of annoyed me bc otherwise they like N64 games. That's fine but I don't want to play polygonal games. And it's kind of once you play it you're good.. There's a bunch of masterful games on there but I like splatoon and sky cotl right now. Anyways, he also came out of nowhere and was being really intrusive. I'm fine with vc if it's once in a while. However I think I hate blocking out my day as if there are times where I should dedicate it to this. I like hanging out downstairs in the evenings with my mom. He's just not free otherwise. I don't like the culture of vc's anyways. It's lonely. Like after you're done chatting, that's it- find something else to do then. I did do it a few times, which I'm thinking is why he's being more persistant. Here's the thing, I do like to chat, and I enjoy talking to people. All of a sudden on the 11th he comes out of left field and is like, are you single. Here's where I was an idiot though, I don't know if me and L are still together in that sense so I said yea I'm single. I kinda didn't want to answer further however then he's like I agree with your tweet about ohio π€. So he was being pushy, and went out of his way to get my attention elsewhere. I think I did a great job of skirting the weirder questions though. All of a sudden he brings up tiktok and is like, it's so dumb. I agree that most content there is, however it's still a good platform. In the wake of the East Palestine, OH disaster there is no other platform that is sharing information so accurately. Especially since Blackrock and Vanguard own the media and the goverment. Who else can you trust more than citizens who are knowledgeable about this. Word of mouth is very powerful right now. He makes general assumptions, and I believe that the most experience he has with that app is from someone else's pov or he downloaded it once and hated it. He sounded so much like an old man, the crazy thing is we're "only two years apart". When he said he was 26 I assumed maybe he looked kinda good? or like I could excuse his attitude that he's too old for twitter or tiktok. no one fucking is, I follow a few grandmas on tiktok. You can enjoy whatever the fuck you want at whatever fucking age. There is no limit, well except for minors. They shouldn't be on social media too young. The point that I really fucked up is that I shared one photo of myself. Just because I was like, well why tf not. It should have been a simple, oh you look nice, it's nice to see your face. But he goes, "you're cute love this pic" and a few messages later says, "you're curvy while being cute". please shut the fuck uppp. I would say it's wrong to act like such a creep, but I opened that up first. and he did look old, I also hate that he tried to open up a conversation about weight. I don't think I want to hear any of his opinions regarding that. But now my issue is that he's still being really intrusive. It's going to come to a point where I've had enough, and that seems closer rather than far out.
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Post by Captain Ally on Feb 26, 2023 4:56:43 GMT -6
When I got into my twenties I never thought about anxiety or feelings of loneliness. My friends all had that chat where we were like, we'll be able to stick together like always. And it just didn't happen. We drifted apart. I think the pandemic made it worse, but it seemed inevitable now that I think about it. I always had issues with one friend, and my other two would rather have done group activites, rather than just hang out. We did have a large group, and throughout two years it broke up. Every few months something went down, and we'd be like, well they weren't that great afterall. I think before I could always ignore my feelings deep down. I had one year in particular (sophomore high school) where it was "the worst" however it wasn't that bad. But something about May was different. I don't know why that is the supposed big turning point. What did my brother coming around again trigger? Was it the trauma of the pandemic that caught up with me? Was that the moment that my brain decided it was fully done growing? I wish someone could give me an answer to latch onto. As if turning 24 could be easily explained anyways
Now that I think about it, and on the topic of things catching up with me- 2007 was when I lost family. Like a very big chunk of family was lost. There was at least seven funerals that I remember going to. One was my grandpa and the rest were family that I never properly made memories with. When I think about them, or my mom is combing through family photos. I remember tiny crumbs of an aftermoment. With Aunt Judy, we visited her home one time, and it was sort of dark inside- as if the curtains had yet to be opened. She had a few floral pieces of furniture, and there was that distinct smell of a house that's much older than you, one which holds decades of memomories itself. I don't remember why we went but I do remember this pair of binoculars that she gave to me. Someone else that I don't remember used to own them. And that's all I remember of her. She's one of the family members that I almost feel bitter that I didn't get to know. Sometimes I get those feelings. Being bitter. It's randomly directed at other people, or even myself. As if I could have control over whether I properly knew family members. When I get bitter at other people, it's because they have the love of their entire extended family. Now I'm not saying I did not have that love. What I mean is that for everybody else, their family comes together as if that's what's supposed to happen. Holidays, birthdays, events, maybe a child's band concert. My mom says that when the older members of the family died, our family events left with them. That no questions asked, we're celebrating..whatever. Is gone. And for us the biggest issue actually is that family is spread so thin. On my mom's side alone, there's some in Wisconsin, Chicago, Southern Illinois, Florida, Arizona, and Northern Illinois. How easy do you think it is for everyone to come together? It's not. And for my dad's family- his siblings moved down South about 40 ish minutes away and never looked back, and then there's some who moved two hours North from us. And they even have bad blood between them. What a terrible hand that was played. I don't know my cousins properly actually. So I feel a little scared (and I hate thinking about this) when the parents are gone- we will have no connections with each other. So yeah, maybe it's actually jealousy that everyone else looks like they have a family that really shows up for everything all at once. Because it feels like for years that it's been me, my sister, parents, and grandmother roughing it out together. --- I always do this actually when I'm journaling. When my emotions feel the worst I get everything that I can out, and I go watch a video or a stream or something. Three hours ago I was succesful in trying not to cry. And right now I feel as if it was almost a little silly. Lately I keep thinking that I'm 24...and what's left? I have no goddamn clue why I'm thinking like that. I have like 80 more years at least. Like I'm sure reading this someone is thinking what in the fuck is wrong with you? See to me without my parents I feel as if I would be nothing without them. Not knowing the future drives me up a wall when I feel the worst. That's probably why humans don't have that ability. It would do no good, trying to not think about the future is hard enough. I can't imagine being able to have all the answers to questions you could ever want available. That would be no way to enjoy life. That's why I think my very annoying aquaintance is stressing me out. I would rather avoid him than talk with everyone else. How fucked is that? I think in actuality I hate voice chat if I can't be in a silly goofy mood and no one is expecting something from me. That's why a phone call to my parents or my sister is just another thing. But for him? He's going to make it weird immediately. The last time he was like, "π€ it was nice hearing your voice, let's do it again soon". ooh you're actually a creep man. And I'm not kidding when I say this, he acts like a boomer so fucking much. He's told me three seperate times now that he's too old for Tiktok. Listen buddy, I follow multiple people's grandmas and if they can make use of the app..it really ain't that bad. Also when he's on YouTube he likes watching shorts, that's something I would conflate with being older. Like, you don't want to interact with the website that popularized that style, yet youtube is good enough. That's just like someone only using Instagram, bestie your app is the frankenstein of other social media apps. Get on with the times fr fr. He says he's twenty six and I'm like, did you jump from high school straight to your 9-5? Me and my sister are close and she says how I feel like a classmate sometimes. So it's just bizarre that being only two years older than me, he seems as if he's on the end of his 30s. My friend K who is in his 40s, acts younger than he does. I don't get it. That's actually a major reason why he makes me uncomfortable suggesting that we would be a good couple. Seriously, in whose eyes?? I realized the other day that I want someone who is either two years younger than me, or is into the same hobbies. They need to be just a little bit chronically online. I'm smart, a little funny, and well informed politically. He is not with it.
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Post by Captain Ally on Apr 26, 2023 19:14:32 GMT -6
Sometimes it's a little funny to go back and reread my posts. Like, sometimes I seem so beaten down, and others I'm going on a tirade against someone I won't meet in person. I think I am really lonely though. All of a sudden I had another realization earlier that the people I play splatoon with right now on discord, we're always just strangers. I can be like, y'all are funny. And that's where our interactions lie. Because there was this special event called Eggstra Work, and I am a decent player however I don't have a team of my own. So the entire weekend I was just hopping from group to group until I had finally settled down with three other people in the last few hours. Those hours were more rewarding than my entire weekend. I love playing with K but he's an adult who works full-time, and he can be as good of a player as I say they are, but they don't have the time. So anyways, earlier today I joined three other people again, one I know a little more who we'll refer to as H. H invited me to their discord server because there's a few of us who are good players, but kind of hop around groups. Since I don't vc I was just listening in and they all are talking about their scores, like oh we got 233 I am embarassed to talk about it. And that's when I was like, oh. We have different experiences. I got 225 which I felt like was a wonderful score. And here they are saying it fucking sucked. I actually was a little miffed that weekend in general. Because I was invited to play as part of a different group, and at first it was just the four of us, and then a fifth person joined. I asked if we could play again and they said no, so the rest of the time I kept getting notifications during their games. And they got 244. I was just a third wheel to whatever they were doing. I kind of want to leave the group DM now if I'm being honest. Like, they aren't going to ask me to play again. And the same goes for H. They're so confusing. Sometimes they talk and they say how oh this friend thinks I'm pissed at them yadda yadda yaddda, and H always says how it's confusing. But I kind of agree with that person. Figuring out their mood is hard. I will join H some days and then they'll be like, I'm done playing. Whereas I just settled down to play for a few hours. And it does make me wonder if I did something to annoy them because why else do they just abruptly want to quit? They did that during Eggstra too, I played one game, and then they had to go. Like, what? was I just part of a trial run and it didn't work out for you? That's what pisses me off I guess.
Anyways, I'm starting to get into the mood of job searching. But I'm still clueless where I want to start. I definitely think I no longer want to be in anything relating to service. So no restaurant, grocery, or retail. Not unless it's something a little less busy, like a mom and pop. Because my mom mentions this local grocery chain to me that offers benefits. But I know that I'd be miserable. They get insanely busy, and to be away from the public I'd have to hope for hours at night. Which will not work for my schedule. I hate adult life. I still think I won't have all the time in the world for my hobbies ._. I have skills in art, hand crafts like sowing, music (reading from sheets), or gardening. This is so confusing. I wonder how it'd be if I worked in the game industry? I think I have some neat ideas for a game. One of my dreams actually was kind of cool. I didn't write it down fully but I'm sure I could fill in the gaps.
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Post by Captain Ally on May 26, 2023 4:09:41 GMT -6
Comic idea: Just kind of a little 8 part story about always having doubts about how I'm perceived by others and what our specific relationships mean. I never trust the love I get outside of my family. Do people enjoy being my friend? Does there always need to be a reason to want to know the other person behind the screen? I never interact with another person with romantic feelings in mind, but that topic happens a lot. I don't want to be like, I am a closeted whore or something, but lately I have made game friends, and then it happens. The question. And then I can either go down two paths, the yes-I-have-a-boyfriend, or no-I-don't-have-anyone-special-and-I'm-not-interested-in-anything-of-the-sort-right-now. The second results in a man a little desperate, they will daily message, going past the neat line you drew, and they pressure and pressure until the topic of conversation circles back to their original reason for talking to you. I'm the type who gets stressed immediately, and then I don't want to interact further. And we never have the conversation then. Sometimes a few months pass and they apologize, or a double down happens. One time the apology was followed up with a marriage announcement, and the only other positive time resulted in an amicable dispertion. Doesn't happen often for me though. This is off topic for the reason I made this post. bc it was like a manic 4am thing... but I mentioned how I liked my one friend because I think I was reciprocating their energy. And then I got into a relationship that actually was probably just a situationship with them. I wasn't like, I'll just wait for someone while trying to be closer to them. Bc that's like a true situationship where one person is into it while the other is waiting for something better. I actually just kept thinking about our personal situations more and more. And I guess you could say that I kind of talked myself into thinking, "this is not serious at all and they don't feel like thatβ’". One day I remember I felt really annoyed, not because he had wanted to talk to me, but I kinda just really put myself first. I wanted to play Splatoon 3. For those not aware, Big Run is an event that happens every three months, it's a big deal if that's your thing. Which for me, it is. So far it happened in December and March. In December, he wanted to call me but I said I was tied up with that. In the moment I was like, we can do that at a later time, so on my end I wasn't taking his feelings seriously. I think the whole time I didn't take it seriously. In January that was actually the last time I had talked to him. I remember feeling weird about whether I should say happy new years, and then I was like, if I'm thinking about it now, isn't it already 2023 for him?? And now I realize, I most likely forgot his birthday. I messed up so badly. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to apologise. I am not a victim so I don't want to use wording like, I'm sorry I'm so dumb. Or I felt like avoiding you, because of..etc. It's not so simple if we were just friends. I think he's doing fine anyways, or least I can't tell. He does a lot of filming for videos he makes and he's working on a comdedy show, so he's most likely kept busy. I guess I just feel torn between bringing up conversation again or not. Like I should really say something, but how? I'm in his Discord which is why I sort of know what he's up to. Not in a stalking way. Sometimes I just get notifications from role pings. I guess my major issue is that I don't think he wants to hear from me. Like, I think I would be mad at a friend if they brought that up, however for myself I keep feeling like it's valid. But that is how misunderstandings multiple. I did this a few times when I was younger actually, however I blew those situations up bigger than they needed to be. I was a kid who would announce something, and then get sad, and hope someone would reach out for the first time again. obviously it wouldn't happen, and I would stew in those feelings for a while. During high school that happened for the last time, and I still fucking think about things I should or should not have done. I wonder, would I be friends with them still.. the point is, that's what I need to change about myself. I can't let this happen with L too, I feel like he really trusted me. And then I got stressed out and avoided starting any conversation at all. so I remember
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